“What?” My mouth fell open. “You didn’t?”
“I wanted to commemorate the beginning of our relationship.”
“Relationship?” I asked teasingly.
Ben wrapped the warm robe around me. “I told you. You’re mine now.”
He took me by the hand, and marched me out the door to the kitchen. “Sera White. Has a good ring to it, don’t you think?” He turned and flashed me a wicked smile and my heart literally stopped in my chest.
63. Team Ben And Sera
I think the pancakes, and seriously strong coffee, helped with the disclosure because, within a matter of minutes, I was telling him everything. Stuff I hadn’t told anyone other than JJ and Bruce. And it felt good, like opening the floodgates on a dam that had been stocked to capacity for years. The words flowed out of me and I felt myself getting lighter and lighter with each admission.
Ben sat opposite me looking serious while I babbled. I told him about how my father was the loser dad of the century. How he gambled our life away and screwed hookers. How he’d landed up in jail more times than I could count. How my mother was constantly and morbidly depressed and wallowed in her self-pity all day long. How I was the sole breadwinner who needed to feed, clothe and educate my sister. How broke I was. How much debt I was in. I even quipped that if my car didn’t miraculously fix itself, I would have to get a job as a pole dancer to raise enough money for a new one.
I told him that I barely earned enough to live on, and if it wasn’t for my rent-free accommodation and the fact JJ and Bruce bought all the groceries (something I felt bad about), I would probably be back in the trailer park. I went on and on for almost an hour and when I was finished, Ben just looked at me with an expression I couldn’t decipher. It made me nervous.
“What?” I asked brusquely, feeling suddenly very defensive.
Ben shook his head. “Nothing. It’s just . . . Sad. That’s all.”
“Sad?”
“Yes. You deserve so much more.”
Something about that statement suddenly pissed me off. Was he looking at me like I was a charity case all of a sudden?
“What?” Ben asked, reaching over and taking my hand.
I shrugged, feeling suddenly tearful. “I don’t want you to think of me as some sad, pathetic charity—”
He cut me off. “I don’t. I would never.”
He looked sincere and I believed him. But there was something else in his look I couldn’t quite interpret.
“What are you thinking?” I asked.
“I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help?”
Now it was my turn to cut him off. “No. Absolutely not,” I said. “I can handle it. I’ve been handling it for most of my life. I’m fine.” I averted my gaze and fiddled with the last pancake on my plate.
Ben looked at me quizzically. “Why won’t you accept any help? Your car, for example; I told you, a mechanic owes me a favor.”
“No.” I stabbed the pancake hard—the sudden move even surprised me.
“Why? I don’t understand.”
The fucking tears felt like they were coming again. “Because, I . . . I . . .” I reached up and wiped my eyes before a tear escaped. “I don’t want him to win. If I can’t do it on my own, then he’s won. It proves that he’s beaten me. Broken me. I won’t let him do that. I can’t.”
Ben nodded solemnly as he thought about what I’d said. “I totally understand that. But, what if people around you want to help? Not because they think you can’t do it, but because they care? That’s not showing weakness. Actually, that’s you proving to him that you can move on and create a life with people that love and care about you. Isn’t that a kind of win in itself?”
This was the second time I’d heard this sentiment echoed in the last twenty-four hours. The horrible feelings flooded in again as I remembered the fight I’d just had with JJ and Bruce. “That’s kind of what JJ and Bruce said, too.”
“Well, if three people are telling you that . . .”
I dropped my fork. “I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head, feeling very confused. “I don’t know—”
Suddenly, as if by some kind of sick, divine joke, my phone rang. I immediately glanced up at the clock on the kitchen wall, and, when I saw that it was nearly 3 a.m., my stomach dropped. Only my sister phoned me at this hour. And when she did, it was for one reason only. I jumped up and rushed for my bag immediately.
