If Logan's lining up dominoes, I've already knocked the first couple of them down, and everything else will fall quickly. He pauses as if he might walk away before he witnesses the mess he's asked me to make, but then he goes on.
"It was hockey season. I'm not a big fan or anything, but I know enough to understand that he was supposed to be in Texas that night."
"You know enough to have recognized him, too."
Logan makes a face at his hot chocolate. "I may have jerked off to his underwear ads a time or two."
He and probably a ridiculous number of other queer men who were paying more attention than I was. Of course, that puts him an important step ahead of me, and I wonder whether getting off to Jamiebeforewe met might've been enough reason to keep from wanting impossible things with him after.
"Yes, he was supposed to be in Texas," I say when Logan's looking at me again. "I had told him I wished he could be there, but I didn't expect it to happen. That was a surprise."
"A good one?"
I raise my eyebrow. "I just said I wished he could be there."
"Right."
"We're not together. We're not—acouple."
"I didn't ask that, but—"
"But yes, he's the reason I wasn't available over the summer."
It's a lot to say to someone who could spill to all the gossip sites tomorrow, but I trust Logan more than that. Maybe even more so when he slowly swallows more liquor and chocolate, and then makes gentle, gentle eye contact.
"It's not like whatever you and I had, though. The casual fucking we did, whenever it worked out that way. You and Jameson Sinc—Jamie—are different."
I want to laugh or cry at how perfectly he's understated that, but I just smile sadly. "Yes."
Logan changes the subject then, and going to sleep separately and together is a lot like the night before. It's also not much like it at all, despite the distant voices and more crickets. Logan had set out to wear me out, and he's done just that, so when I listen to him breathe, I only last a few seconds before he'll have to listen to me instead.
In the morning, I tell him I don't want to leave. We spend the nextfew days busy with a mix of the same activities—hiking and reading and kayaking and drinking by the fire—and I havefunfor the first time in a while. I love getting sweaty and dirty, and washing it away with a shitty campground shower. My hair is usually pulled into a little bun, but I'm as careless as I've ever been, the rest of the world kept inside a phone I haven't turned on all week. I breathe easily every morning and sleep dreamlessly every night, and the decisions I make are guided only by how I feel in that exact moment.
It's why I'm facing Logan now, in our tent on our last night here. We're looking at each other, unafraid of all the things I think we should fear, and I barely blink as I begin to unzip my sleeping bag. The sound would be embarrassingly loud if I were embarrassed, this silly thing giving away my intention with every inch it's lowered, but I don't stop until it's somewhere around my knees. It's cold, but there are blankets nearby if we need them later. I'm not all that worried about the temperature at the moment.
I reach for Logan's sleeping bag next, and we haven't looked away, but he's the first to speak.
"You don't have to do this."
"I know."
He licks his lips, then sighs. "I don't want you to stop."
"I know."
Neither of us has shaved since we arrived, and when we're finally too close to keep staring, his face feels so fucking good against mine. I ease back only to spit into my hand before I reach for him, and he doesn't hesitate before he does the same and reaches for me, the two of us still fully covered except for where the waistbands of our sweatpants have been shoved out of the way. This will be fast and messy and mostly silent and entirely selfish, but Logan takes what I can give, and we kiss until I don't need him to be somebody else.
We kiss long after we both come.
Chapter Fifteen: Jamie
(I Reminded Myself Who I Am)
Sorry. I was camping. My phone was off.
Camping's new. They must've missed you at the carnival
The break was good for me.
