I’ve tasted what it’s like to be on the receiving end of his affection. Istillthink about the night of the Christmas party and the way his hand felt in mine. How nice it was just sitting with him in the dark. That picture of us on my phone has been opened more times than I can count.
It hurts like hell that the one person I want to give the world to is the only person who refuses to take it.
“Are you going to be okay?” I ask.
Zeke looks over my shoulder and starts moving past me.
“Time’s up,” he says. “You should go.”
And then he’s gone, moving back into the space of a man who doesn’t appreciate the gentle, beautiful soul sitting next to him.
I don’t bother with goodbyes, not trusting myself in Derek’s presence. I catch Eloise’s eye and motion toward the door. Bythe time she joins me outside, I’m pacing on the sidewalk, trying to burn off this raging-bull energy.
“Tal, what the hell is going on?” she asks, her voice full of concern.
I’m normally so chill, so calm, so even-keeled under pressure…but I’veneverfelt like this. My chest is tight, my hands are shaking, and it’s hard to breathe.
“I don’t know,” I admit.
“Give me your keys; I don’t think you can drive in this condition,” she says, holding out her hand.
Leaving feels wrong, like I’m abandoning him.
But then I become even more pissed off because hechoseto stay.
Eloise hands me her phone.
“Type in your address, then start talking,” she commands.
My fingers continue to tremble as I hit the keys, making it take far longer than necessary to punch in the address correctly.
“I don’t know what to say,” I tell her, words finally falling from my lips.
“Everything that’s on your mind. It’s clear there’s a lot going on up there,” she says, pulling onto the main road.
My skin itches with the desire to turn back, yank Zeke out of Derek’s grasp, and strap him to a chair until I’ve talked sense into him. But since that would definitely be crossing the line into crazy-town, I unleash my thoughts on my sister instead.
“His boyfriend is a manipulative motherfucking cocksucker, and I’m pissed Zeke won’t leave him!” I yell, the truth finally spewing from my mouth as though it were an active volcano.
“Wow, those are some choice words, Mr. Devereaux,” my sister says gently. “How many times have you met Derek?”
I think back through our interactions.
“That was only the second time.”
Eloise’s eyes cut to me before returning to the road.
“Only the second time? Jesus, what was thefirstmeeting like?”
“Derek came up to Summit. I walked up on him pinning Zeke against the side of the building,” I recall, hating that I remember it so vividly. Hating the way it made me feel. Hatinghim.
“Pinning him like…”
“I don’t know, El!” I yell again, agitated and frustrated over my lack of control. “Fuck.I’m sorry.” I apologize and try to clarify. “Pinned like they had just been making out or something, but Derek was being cruel when I showed up, so I told him to cut it out.”
“Tal, you can’t save everyone,” she says.
“I don’twantto save everyone,” I say angrily. “Iwantto savehim,” I admit out loud for the first time.
