“What?” I joke. “You’re the Mafia now?”
“Basically.”
“Oh.” I snap my mouth closed, not sure how to follow that up.
“I don’t—” he stops himself, coughing, like the words came out wrong.
I wince, already filling the blanks.
I don’t like you enough.
I don’t want that kind of commitment.
“I don’t—I don’t know,” he says, trying again, “if I’m worth it. For you to give up so much.”
There’s something in his voice I haven’t heard before.Defeat.
I climb on top of him, pressing my body along his.
“You are,” I tell him fervently.
I’m not thinking about Remi right now. Or politics. Or the world. Just this, the way he feels under me. The fact that in a few minutes he’ll walk out the door, and how much I hate that.
“Carrson,” I take his face in my hands and tell him again, “you’re worth it to me.”
“Becky?” His eyes search mine, uncertain, a little afraid. “What does love feel like?”
My lips find his and I kiss him, pouring all my feelings into it, hoping he knows it’s a decision I won’t take back.
When I break the kiss, my forehead rests against his.
“Like that,” I whisper.
Chapter thirty-nine
Princess
Becky
May 2, 1995
My Dearest Remi,
I’m so happy.
I see him every day, and every day is better than the last.
He’s openingup. Talking more, and I am too.
He keeps the portrait I drew of him on his desk. I told him all about you. About how you used to draw too. How you were even better than me. How every animal loved you like you were one of those Disney princesses.
I told him that someday I’m going to have a daughter, and her middle name will be yours.
That was kind of embarrassing. Talking about kids with him, but Carrson says children are the most important part of The Order. That the most important members have children and they’re raised in a certain way, like they’re trained and tested.
He wouldn’t tell me everything, and I think there’s stuff he doesn’t know, but for a minute it felt like we were talking about our kids, ones we might have if we stick together.
I hope we do.
