“It’s really okay,” Helena lied. She felt a sense of dismissal coming over her. She knew she needed to get Matteo to leave, to stop trying to get to know her, to back away from the chaos that was her liver and her heart and her mind. She got to her feet and cleared their plates. Already, it was nearly seven, which meant they’d lose light soon.
Before she’d thought it through, she said, “Do you think you’ll be able to make it back tonight?”
Matteo blinked at her, his smile faltering just the slightest bit. “I think I’ll manage it!” He said, sounding chipper and happy, although, at that moment, Helena knew she’d ruined it. Like the glass door, she’d smashed whatever they’d been building over the past few hours.
Shivering on the patio despite the warmth, she watched as he prepared himself to leave, moving around deftly with his cane. There was a bit of sorrow in his smile as he said goodbye and a final thank you. “This was an incredible day, all things considered,” he said. “If you’re ever on the mainland, look me up, okay?”
Helena said she would, although she knew she wouldn’t. He knew that, too.
She watched as Matteo untied his sailboat from the dock, filled the sails with wind, and floated off toward the northern horizon. Tears filled her eyes. This was the closest she’d felt to another human since her father’s diagnosis, since her mother’s death. But it could be, she knew. Romance was for the living. And she couldn’t disappoint Matteo like that. She couldn’t ruin his life.
12
It was the beginning of July, and nearly a month since Bethany had told her kids about her pregnancy. Since then, there had been a coldness between her and her three children, a vacuousness that meant they would not forgive her easily for changing their lives so abruptly. They thought she was reckless. They thought she wasn’t thinking about her health or their future.
Bethany struggled with this. She spoke to her mother about it on a never-ending loop, with Esme reminding her, often, that all her own kids had “left the island and hardly called” for years—all in the wake of Victor’s affair and Joel’s death.
“Kids have their own ways of working things out,” Esme told her. “You have to trust that your love for them won’t fade. Theirs for you won’t fade, either. It’s just complicated.”
Meanwhile, Rod was falling deeper and deeper in love with the baby. He whispered to her mostly flat stomach nightly, telling the baby what they would get up to after birth, all the wonderful and adventurous things they’d do together. “We thought it would just be the two of us, but it’ll be three of us,” he said.
Although Rod said he didn’t care what the gender was, Bethany knew that he hoped for a boy.
She sort of hoped for a boy, too. But mostly, she prayed for health, for an easy pregnancy, for continued growth, for fewer nausea spells. Now that she was about to enter her second trimester, she was counting on that.
On July 2nd, Bethany returned from the hospital after a difficult surgery. It was ten at night, and all her kids were home, playing video games or reading. Rod was fast asleep, as he’d gotten up very early for work. Bethany said good night to her grumpy children, then collapsed in bed, where she proceeded to have the most monstrous nightmares she’d ever had. Most of them had to do with the baby, with how panicked she was about the future.
Finally, she woke up at midnight, gasping for breath. Rod was still sleeping. She took deep breaths, trying to calm her panicked mind and pull herself back into REM.
But that was when she heard someone crying down the hall. She knew in an instant that it was Maddie, her beautiful, vivacious, and terrifying daughter.
Slowly, Bethany got out of bed and tiptoed down the hallway. Maddie’s light was still on, and it sounded like she was on the phone. She was crying to someone, begging them. It sounded like Maddie was trying to negotiate for her life. Bethany put her hand on the doorway, her brow furrowed as she tried to make sense of what was going on.
“Please, let me explain,” Maddie said to whoever was on the other line.
Bethany couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t handle hearing her daughter so heartbroken. She raised her knuckles to the door and knocked, gently, gently, until Maddie cried out, “What?”
“You need to get some sleep, honey,” Bethany said.
Maddie groaned. “I have to go,” she said to whoever it was. “Text me? Please?”
When it was clear that Maddie was off the phone, Bethany knocked and opened it when Maddie said it was okay. She found Maddie in a sniffling heap on her bed, her eyes red. Hiccups made her chest bounce. Bethany couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen Maddie like this. Maybe ten years ago? It broke Bethany. She wondered whether Maddie was upset about the pregnancy. Or was it something else?
“Honey, are you all right?” Bethany asked gently.
Maddie threw herself back on the bed and howled with sorrow. “I’m fine!”
Bethany came into the room and closed the door behind her. She sat beside her daughter and scooped Maddie’s hair behind her ears. “My beautiful girl,” she breathed, overwhelmed. “What’s going on, huh? Why won’t you tell me?”
Maddie inhaled deeply, then hiccupped. “You wouldn’t get it.”
She sounded like a cartoon version of a teenager.
“Why don’t you try me?” Bethany said. “I’ve been through more than you think.”
Maddie pressed her hands over her eyes and remained quiet for a little while. Bethany bided her time. She was grateful that Maddie had let her come into her room at all, given how icy it had been between them the past month.
“My boyfriend cheated on me,” Maddie said finally.
