If anything, Pecan’s still crying because he loved her. D loved her too.
If D were here, she’d be in tears as well.
Mom was close to them both. She made sure of it because she knew how tight we were. She did that. She was my cement andoursafe space. The time when Pecan smoked weed and freaked the fuck out—Mom dealt with it and never said a word. Just like D’s first period.
She was our rock and then life stole her from all of us.
The urge to hit something swells inside me.
“What if…” I bite back the words as I clench my fists, tight enough that my fingers ache.
“What if?” Callan prompts, his voice husky.
“D leaves me too? And Pecan? Fuck, even you? I’m this walking bag of bones that all anyone cares about is what I can do with a hockey stick.
“No one gives a shit about me other than you guys. If you go, if life takes you from me too, who’ll even care that I had a mom who died. Who sees me as anything more than a player? Who wants to get in with me? Who?—”
“They’re going nowhere.We’regoing nowhere,” Callan tells me softly. “Unless you push them,us,away. Like you did with Denny today. She’s in another country. She’s alone. She had to make friends,even touchy-feely ones, but she’s brave enough and strong enough to push back if she has to.
“You shoved her out when you genuinely needed her and she needed you. You can’t do shit like that, Zach. Not if you want her to know how much you love her. Not if you’re scared of losing her.”
I gnaw on the inside of my cheek. “I didn’t think she should have to deal with my possessive ass. I know it’s not healthy. But I want to hold her to me and keep her safe and free from any pests and?—”
“That’s not life.”
“She’s over there, on the other side of the world, and I don’t know if she’s dead or alive until she sends me a text?—”
“It’d be the same if she were in Florida.”
My throat tightens. “How am I supposed to protect her when she’s not with me?”
“She has classes. A life. Will get a job. She’s not always going to be glued to you 24/7.” Callan leans forward. “I get it, Zach. Losing your mom… I…” His mouth works. “My parents split when I was young. I know that’s not the same. But Dad refused to let her have contact with me.
“For a while, the only memory I had of her was in pictures and videos that my brothers had of her, as well as the bad times that stuck with me.
“He cut her out of my life like she was dead, so I felt that pain too, even if it’s… I know it’s different. But that pain of losing your mom—I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. And I even get your hatred of your dad for what he did. Like, I hated mine for doing that to me too.
“They say that time heals all wounds and it does because we learn to deal with the grief and we adjust. That’s normal. But they don’t tell you how to get to that point. Holding this stuff in leads to ulcers.
“With you, clinging onto Denny feels like a great way to cope. So I think it’s brilliant that you pulled back today. You’re aware that it’s a bit shitty for you to be reacting like you are. It’s a step forward. Just… you can’t cut her out, man. If you do, what you’re trying to avoid will happen and I’d hate to see that. Why don’t you call her, Zach?”
“Yeah. She’d love to hear from you. Especially when you look as shit as you do. She’ll know you’re really fucked up.”
“Thanks, Peeks,” I retort, dragging my knuckles down my cheeks.
“Just keeping it real, man.”
Because phoning her is all I’ve wanted to do since I sent her that last text, I grab my cell and patch through a call. It’s not fair, not when it’s 2 AM where she is, but she picks up immediately.
Her concern leaks through the screen, but when she sees me, she flicks the light on. “Zach?! What’s going on, baby?”
I cover my face with my hand. Suddenly, there’s an arm around me. My shoulders burrow as the weight of loss overwhelms me. Pushes me down, down, until I might as well be in the earth with Mom and?—
“We were just talking about how cool Jo was,” Callan answers for me.
“Yeah.” Pecan cackles as his knees nudge into me so I know he’s sitting on my desk. “Remember how she used to bribe us with chocolate chip cookies, D?”
“The best chocolate chip cookies because my mom always baked with saccharin.” She gags. “And Peek’s mom was always on that monk fruit stuff.”
