I know he meant it when he said we were good, but I’m feeling unsettled. Maybe I should go to a meeting or for a run. Instead, my feet take me a few blocks away, to yet another swanky New York office complex. This one belongs to Nathan and Drake and houses their law firm. Either of my brothers would be a welcome sight right now. Both of them would drop whatever they were doing to spend time with me, but habit takes me to Nathan’s office first.
His secretary knows me and waves me on. I knock and pop my head around Nathan’s door. He looks surprised to see meand puts down the phone he was obviously just about to use. “You okay?” he asks straight away.
“Yeah. You have time for, I don’t know, a drink or something?”
I know full well his schedule will be packed, but he nods. Making time for me, as usual. “Of course I do.”
Nathan’s nickname is ‘the Iceman’ because he’s such a ruthless lawyer. A lot of people think that suits him down to the ground, but they don’t know the real him. Beneath the ice he’s one of the warmest people I know, and he’d do anything for me. Fuck, he’s already done so much, and most people don’t know the half of it. Not even the rest of my brothers.
We head to a nearby bar, and he orders himself a Macallan. Raises his eyebrows. It feels like a test. “Coffee is good,” I tell the bartender. “Decaf if you have it.” I look at Nathan and quirk my lips into a grin. “What? You thought because I was having sex these days, I’d be hitting the booze too? It doesn’t work that way, thank fuck.”
He seems relieved, and I don’t blame him. “So, what’s the problem, Maddox? Because I can already tell there is one.”
I nod. I came here to talk to him, so I might as well fucking do it. “I saw Mason earlier. He made a few cracks about Ellie. Nothing at all bad, just, you know…”
“Mason?”
“Exactly. But fuck, Nathan, I wanted to punch his lights out. I just saw red. I mean, I didn’t, I stayed in control. But it wasn’t great. It reminded me of the past. Of the way I used to be. I never want to go back to being like that.”
It started after my mom died, with the way I changed at school. I’d always been competitive, but I turned into a complete monster on the football field. I used the game as an excuse to vent my anger and frustration. Even put one kid in hospital with a flying tackle I knew wasn’t safe.
Off the field, I got into fights, or trouble, or both at the same time. That was how I met Yasmin. She didn’t go to the same school as me, we moved in totally different circles. But one day I saw some guy hassling her on the street, and I flew at him. Kicked the shit out of him. Played the hero and got the girl.
That wasn’t even the worst of it, but I knew from that time in my life that I had a darker side. We all do in some way or another, but mine has been dormant for so long, I’d started to ignore it. Now it’s reared up and bitten me on the ass, and I’m worried that nothing deep inside me has actually changed. That all my work has been wasted, and that this is just the way I’m made.
Nathan thinks about what I’ve said and sips his Scotch. I stare at the perfect amber liquid, asking myself if I want it. If I’m tempted.
No, I am not tempted, not even a little bit. My sobriety is worth so much more to me than the quick hit of booze.
Nathan puts down his glass. “Okay. So. You know we’ve all wanted to punch Mason’s lights out at some point or another, right, Maddox? He has that kind of face.”
“An ass-face?”
“Yeah,” he laughs.
Mason does have that effect on all of us, but in truth, he is one of the warmest and most lovable people I know. The brother I probably spend most time with socially because he’s funny and kind and considerate, too.
“We’re all assholes at some point in our lives, especially when it comes to the people we care about. And we all act a little…” He sucks on his top lip like he’s thinking. “Remember when Elijah dangled Freddie Kemp over a balcony for what he did to Amber? When Mase went to find King with the Ryan brothers? And nobody still really knows what happened to those pieces of shitwho kidnapped Amelia. Drake has never told anyone, but I saw his knuckles afterward.”
True. “Not to mention you and Mel’s brother and the letter opener incident,” I remind him.
He smiles at the memory. “Exactly.”
“And your point is?” I ask. “Because at the moment, dude, you’re just making it sound like our whole family are psychopaths.”
“My point is this: when it comes to the people we love, we are all psychopaths, Maddox. We’re protective, obsessive. We would do anything to keep them safe from harm, whether that’s a sly dig at their reputation or god-forbid an actual threat. They’re ours, and we protect our own.”
I stare at him. Do I love Ellie?
Yeah, of course I fucking do. I’ve loved her for months. But that was as a friend, and we’re no longer just friends. So now, does it equate that I also love her as my girlfriend?
Shit. This stuff is complicated. “You say they’reourslike they’re our possessions, Nathan. I’m not sure I want to think like that. Thinking of Ellie like I own her is kind of fucked up, no?”
“Of course we don’t own them, Mad. If anyone owns anyone in our house, then Mel owns me. But that doesn’t change the way we feel about them. The way we want to guard them. What I’m saying, little bro, is what you’re feeling is normal. It doesn’t mean you’re going to go off the rails. It doesn’t mean jack shit, other than you’ve found a woman who makes you feel alive. A woman worth fighting for.”
I sip my coffee and think about what he’s saying. He’s right. I do feel alive. And Jesus-fuck yes, she is worth fighting for. I sigh. “So you don’t think I have anything to worry about?”
He laughs and claps me hard on the back. “Brother, I did not say that. The way you two were looking at each other at dinner? I’d say you have a whole world of shit to worry about, to sortout—but notthis, okay? Enjoy the ride. Have a little faith in yourself, Maddox. Because I sure do.” He downs his Scotch in one go and meets my eyes. “Better?”
