Although eventually my dreams did come true when Keres, Ace and Romeo came into our lives. But I made that happen because of what I did.
So, maybe I can make all of my dreams come true then. Huh.
We arrive back at my apartment and stand outside the door. Fantasy or not, I’d be quite happy for Maddox to come upstairs with me right now and start practicing for the baby-making. He looks down at me, and I suddenly feel nervous. I have no idea why. Maybe it’s because I want him so much it feels a little overwhelming.
“So. The AC was fixed,” I tell him. “Would you, uh, like to come up? I have that green tea you like.”
He doesn’t answer, and my nerves do a little tap dance inside my stomach. This feels borderline awkward, and maybe this is what I was afraid of—that the whole phenomenal sex-thing would affect our already phenomenal friendship. I wouldn’t normally feel awkward asking Maddox if he wanted to come up for a tea, not even a tiny bit.
He slips his thumb beneath my chin, turns my face up so I’m looking into his eyes. Goddess of all that’s holy, the man is disgustingly good-looking.
“I’m going to take a raincheck on that, baby, if you don’t mind. I have such a big day tomorrow, and a super-early meeting. I need to get some sleep. I don’t think I’ll get much at all if I’m around you.”
He grins, but is he just being nice when he says that? He hasn’t even kissed me.
“Okay, that’s cool. Uh, see you soon.”
I turn to leave, eaten up with embarrassment, but I don’t make it more than a single step away from him. He grabs hold of me, slamming my body into his. He kisses me then. So well I almost fall over. Once he’s done, he keeps his arms around me for support and squeezes my ass. I’m in a daze, and even moreso when he leans down and whispers into my ear, “Take this sexy ass of yours off to bed, Ellie. You need some rest too, baby. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
I nod, incapable of speech. He kisses me again and leaves me there. In a puddle of desire and ‘what the fuck just happened?’
Chapter 20
Ellie
The red digits on the alarm clock blink at me. 3:06am. Taunting me. I roll over in bed, consider throwing the damn thing out the window. I can’t go to sleep, and the more I try, the harder it gets. I can’t sleep because I am officially the world’s biggest overthinker. Ever. I clutch the pillow to my face and continue my mental doomscrolling.
It doesn’t matter that Maddox took me to his dad’s house for dinner and introduced me to his family, including my bosses, as his girlfriend. Or that he held my hand the entire night. Also doesn’t matter that he grabbed my ass while he kissed me goodnight and told me he’d see me again tomorrow.
None of that matters because all my stupid brain is focusing on is the fact that he could have stayed over and didn’t. He could have asked me to go to his place, and he didn’t. His dad said we were welcome to stay there, but we didn’t. He walked away, and it’s messing with my head.
Was yesterday some kind of mirage? All the affection and the public displays thereof. Maybe he was confused because of the sex. It might have messed with his brain chemistry, put him in some kind of temporary state of insanity. Like a sugar rush, but sex.
Or maybe that’s just what it felt like for me. Maybe it wasn’t even that great for him. It was just the first sex he’d had in years. Maybe that’s the kind of sex he always used to have. I mean, those girls in Marrakech were alwaysverycomplimentary about his skills, so he obviously rocked their worlds, too. What if he simply forgot how good sex actually is, and now that he’s been reminded again he’ll go on seeking more and more of it, with women who are more experienced and more in his league than me?
What if I was simply his gateway sex?
If that’s the case, then I’ll have to spend the rest of my time at Jamestech learning secondhand about Maddox James’s sexcapades with a whole string of new York’s most eligible women. I imagine our conversation now, where he gives me that adorable smile and tells me he’ll always be grateful to me for being the one that opened his eyes to the joys of physical intimacy again. Right before he walks away, hand-in-hand with his date for the night, a size zero supermodel who hasn’t eaten a carb since she was eleven. Then they’ll get married and have perfect babies and a perfect life, and I’ll just get some cats and take up crochet and read a gazillion more romantasy novels before dying alone smelling of mothballs.
Stop it, Ellie. Stop!
I take a breath, calm my racing thoughts, and remind myself that Maddox is a good guy. He’s my friend. I’m overthinking right now because that’s what I do. It’s like my superpower. I need to stop this emotional self-harming and remind myself of who I am and what I have come through in life. All the things I’ve survived before this. I’m a goddamnwarrior, and I deserve love.
I deserve Maddox. I deserve amazing sex. I deserve the kind of orgasms that make me lose my mind. I deserve to be with someone who sees me for the amazing person I am. I hopeMaddox does, but there is nothing I can do to control that right now.
Anyway, it will all be fine. It will all be great.
I keep on telling myself that as I finally drift off to sleep.
It’s almostlunchtime and I’ve not heard from Maddox yet. I resisted the urge to call or text him as soon as I woke up, because a girl doesn’t want to appear too desperate, right? I have my self-respect.
At least I did until mid-morning, when I sent him a text between meetings. Nothing too heavy, just ahey, how are youkind of thing. I tell myself it’s okay. That we’re friends. I can’t remember the last time we went a whole day without speaking, and I hate the thought that the sex—or me saying I loved him—has ruined what we had.
I check my phone again. Still no response. I know he’s not great with phones, but this has to be more than that. Maybe the way he behaved in the aftermath was some kind of post-euphoric madness, the modern equivalent of smoking a cigarette. Maybe with Maddox, it was a casual ‘hey, let’s go to dinner with my family.’
Perhaps he did that because losing his celibacy was such a big deal. It’s possible that he wanted it to mean more than it did, to justify the choice he made.
Oh God. I’m just going round in circles, chasing my own tail. What the hell have I become?
