Does she have better plans, a better offer? Maybe a date with a man who will actually fuck her like the sensationally sexy woman she is. The thought has jealousy flaring hot and fierce in my gut. Suddenly, I could tear this fictional asshole limb from limb with my bare hands.
Fuck, if it’s that, then maybe I’ll deserve it. And I’ll have to deal with it.
But what if the real reason she’s distancing herself from me isn’t that. What if it’s because she wants more than what I’ve been willing to offer her. I’ve been so set on my path that I’ve never given her any hint that I was thinking of turning my back on celibacy. Let alone for her. She’s not a mind reader.
I don’t think I really knew myself until right now.
Or maybe I’m just desperately hoping that’s the case, because then I can fix this. I will give Ellie every-fucking-thing in the world if that’s what she wants.
I throw the stupid phone across the bed, watching it bounce. I don’t know what she wants. I barely know what I want. And I have a party to go to, even though that feels like the last thing on earth I want to do.
I go through the motions,because I said I’d be there, and because I don’t like to let people down. There’s no suit, though, and no limo. Definitely no Ellie. Even when I get here and take the elevator to the swanky restaurant at the top of the tower, part of me wonders if she’s going to turn up. I glance around the crowded room and know immediately that she’s not here. There are hundreds of people, but the only person I have any interest in being with isn’t among them.
Mason has messaged me to say he won’t be making it tonight, either. Apparently King is home after traveling on a case out-of-state, and he’s tired. They ‘need some downtime with the pups,’ which I take as code for ‘we need some time to screw each other’s brains out.’ I type back a quick reply assuring him that’s fine. Then I stand, an island, and look around.
There’s food, which I’m normally interested in. There’s drink, which is fucking tempting tonight. And there are people, none of whom are Ellie.
I take in a deep breath, tell myself to suck it up and see what happens. There’s every chance I could meet some great people here and make some valuable contacts. I could actually enjoy myself.
I don’t think it’s likely, but fuck, I’ll give it a go.
And I do, I really do. I talk and I circulate and I accept business cards from strangers. I taste oysters and drink endless OJs, and I even dance a little, with a particularly insistent dude who turns out to be the owner of a tapas place I like on the Upper East Side. I see a few people I know, and meet even more that I don’t. I even spy Katy, Ellie’s friend, across the room with a bunch of people.
My heart rate speeds up for just a moment until I realize that Ellie’s not with her. Not only isn’t she here, but she’s definitely not on a girls’ nights either. Katy waves at me. I should go and talk to her. I can’t though. All I’m likely to do is blurt out something stupid and make a complete ass of myself.
Why does everything feel so fucking meaningless without Ellie here? I’m suddenly too hot. The room is too crowded. Everyone else is drunk, happy, carefree. It makes me wonder how much fun it would be to let loose like they are. To stop saying no. To give myself a night off from being a fucking monk. I’m just a human being, and right now I’m stressed as hell. Maybe I need a break from being me.
The DJ plays something classic by Usher, and the dance floor is mobbed. Everywhere I look I see smiling faces, hear laughter, witness a mass of human beings engaged in the simple act of Having a Fucking Great Time. While I stand in the middle of it all, stone cold sober. Alone.
It’s too much. I have to get out of here. I push my way out of the hubbub, politely at first but with increasing desperation. I finally escape, burst free, and head towards the men’s room. I splash my face with cold water and stare in the mirror.
What the hell is going on with me tonight?
The door to one of the cubicles opens, and the tapas guy, Monty, emerges. He sniffs hard and wipes his nostrils with the back of his hand. His pupils are huge, and I instantly know exactly what he’s been doing in there.
“Hey Maddox,” he says, nodding at me over-enthusiastically. I can almost feel the effect the chemicals are having on him. The way they’re rushing through his veins, flooding his system, making his synapses pop and the entire world light up. Every bad thing chased away, every anxious thought gone. I know that feeling oh so well. And I know it doesn’t last. But fuck, while it does…while it does, you’re the king of the whole goddamn world.
“You want a little bump?” he asks, offering me a small plastic bag from his pocket.
Chapter 17
Ellie
“You missed a crazy party last night,” Katy says, stretching out after class. I spent the entire night alone on my sofa thinking about Maddox and being desperately sad, which is stupid given that I could have been with him. My poor heart can’t seem to accept that we’re just friends and that’s all we’ll ever be.
“Crazy how?” I ask.
Weirdly, Katy called me just after Maddox, saying she’d been given a last-minute invite to the fancy launch of the new restaurant and asking if I wanted to go with her.
I used work as an excuse, not that I needed to make one with Katy. I could have told her the real reason—that I was suffering from a bad case of melancholy, possibly terminal. But if I did that, she would have cancelled her night out, and she sounded so excited about it. Besides, I was feeling so messed up that I thought it was better for me to be alone. I genuinely did have a lot of work to do, and my brain needed a break from thinking about Maddox. Even though, logically, I know not going with him last night was for the best, it still felt wrong. He’s not looking for more than friendship, and if I’m truly honest withmyself, even if he did want more with me, am I ready for that kind of relationship? Maddox is exactly the kind of guy that could be…well, he could be my forever. But I’m still not ready to share those demons from my past with him, and I’m not sure I ever will be. If I ever saw pity in his eyes when he looked at me, it might just break me.
Sadly for me, my brain didn’t get the break from Maddox memo, and I still can’t get him out of my head. Even during my class, which normally blocks out everything else, I was thinking about him, trying to disentangle my feelings. Like one of those necklaces you get out of a drawer after three years, so twisted and knotted that it takes you an hour to fix.
“Crazy in every way. The food was great, the drinks were flowing, and…” she drops her voice to a whisper. “Girl, there were so many drugs it was insane. People were passing them around like candy by the end.”
I wrinkle my nose. “That’s not really my kind of scene.”
“Not mine either, you know that. But it sure seemed like it was your friend Maddox’s though. He was there in the thick of it.”
