“Yes! No, wait. Not in a bad way,” he fumbled. “As in, I find you fascinating. In a good way! What I’m trying to say is, you make me smile. That’s it. And if it looks secretive or that I only do it around you, that proves my point—you’re the only personwho makes me smile like that.” He hesitated. “Am I doing well here or digging myself into a hole?”
“Actually, you’re doing pretty good,” I said, edging along the pillow to kiss him. “I like the idea of a secretive smile just for me. Better than you snickering at me, which is what I thought you were doing.”
“I only snicker at you when you make absurd claims, like that you know things about land mines and that you won that rounders game.”
I jolted my head back indignantly. “Ididwin that rounders game!”
“Uh-huh,” he said, looping his arm around my waist and pulling me back over, “you keep telling yourself that, but we both know the truth. And anyway, I’m very happy to let you come first in other activities,” he added in a low growl, kissing my neck.
It was very hard to argue with him about that.
It’s important that whatever this is with Ryan, I don’t rush it. Because that’s the problem with being abroad; you lose all sense of normalcy and jump headfirst into relationships that crumble the minute the wheels of the plane hit that runway on home soil. Because it’s not real life.
Real life is much more complicated, like working side by side and being pitted against each other by Cosmo over features. Moreover, Ryan has clearly built up the idea of me in his head for a long time, and in Florence he experienced the “holiday me,” not the “actual me.” He’s enjoyed sexy black thongs and matching bras and sleeping naked and highlighter across my collarbones. He hasn’t had to put up with me dashing out on dinner dates because I’ve got a VIP call. He hasn’t seen the underwear Iactuallywear on a day-to-day basis, which is usually flesh-colored andnevermatching.
Is he still going to be filled with torturous desire sitting next to me when he knows that, under my work clothes, I’m wearing Spanx?
Unlikely.
My mind is racing and I’m tempted to get up and start packing early, just so I have something else to think about, but Ryan stirs next to me and his eyelashes flutter as he slowly wakes up.
I stare wide-eyed back at him.
“Hey,” he murmurs, his voice croaky with sleep.
“I don’t usually wear matching underwear,” I blurt out.
He frowns, squinting at me. “Huh?”
“I think it’s important you know that.”
“Uh… okay, cool.” He lifts his head off the pillow, leaning on his elbow. “Are you all right?”
I take a deep breath. I want to stay in the moment, but I also don’t want to keep things from him. “Yeah. I’ve been thinking about what happens when we get back home. Between us, I mean.”
“What would you like to happen?” he asks.
“What wouldyoulike to happen?”
He looks me in the eyes. “I would like to continue this.”
“Sleeping together?” I say, knowing that I’m testing him.
“Among other things,” he says, positioning his pillow to rest against the headboard and then sitting up, leaning back against it. “I want to take you out on dates. I want to spend real time together, outside of work. As far as I’m concerned, I’m all in. If you would like that?”
I nod slowly. “And what about work?”
“What about it?”
“We’ll have to keep it secret, won’t we? Everyone would gossip, and it would be horrible. We need to remainstrictlyprofessional in the office. That’s important, Ryan. No special treatment, nothing like that. At work, we’re colleagues, nothing else.”
Can youimagineif Cosmo found out that that Ryan and I were sleeping together? He already has little to no respect for me as it is, but throw in a romantic entanglement with a colleague and he’ll consider me a total laughingstock. It’s not that I value Cosmo’s opinion, but like it or not, he is my boss, and I don’t want to push him too far. It’s depressing to think that, if word got out, there would be fewer consequences for Ryan than there would be for me. I wish it wasn’t that way, but with someone like Cosmo at the helm, there’s no doubt in my mind that it would be so. Better not to risk it.
“Okay. Whatever you want.” Ryan smiles at me.
“What? You’re doing that smile thing again.”
“I’m wondering how long you’ve been stressing over this.”
