This isnotthe cool, collected entrance back into society that I was hoping for.
“No, no, no, no,” I mutter, desperately trying again and again until my hands hurt from all my useless attempts. “Come on!”
I quickly get my phone out of my clutch and start calling Ruby. She doesn’t pick up. I try Leo. His goes straight to voicemail. I remember him telling us to put our phones on silent or turn them off as we went into the church. Argh!Why did he have to be so sensible?!
I call Ruby again, hoping that she might wonder where I am and check her phone in case I’ve locked myself in the old church toilet, but apparently my friends don’t care about me at all. I send them some frantic messages and then get back to trying the lock.
I’m going to have to yell for help. Which Ireallydon’t want to do. But it’s my only hope. I can’t stay locked in the toilet for the whole service! And I don’t want Obi to have seen me leave and not come back in!
“Help!” I squeak timidly, rapping on the door with my knuckles. “Ushers! Anyone hear me? Help!”
The organ music is loud, I can hear it muffled behind the door, so I’m going to have to raise my voice.
“Help!” I cry out, knocking harder on the door. “I’m stuck in here! Help, please!”
I check my phone, but there’s still nothing.Whyhaven’t Ruby and Leo come to check on me? Seriously, after I’m free from this toilet, we are having words.
“Help! Someone please help me!”
A shudder runs up my spine as I realize that the organ music has stopped abruptly. I press my ear to the door and hear some voices in the hallway. They sound excited.
Oh god. I think the bride has arrived.The bride has arrived and I’m stuck in the loo.
Maybe it’s not her. Maybe it’s some excited guests! Or the ushers! Either way, this is my chance to get someone’s attention.
Promising myself that I will never, under any circumstances, use a church toileteveragain, I muster the courage to knock on the door of the loo and call out one more time.
“Help!” I say, knocking loudly. “Anyone out there? I’m stuck!”
Suddenly, a voice. “H-hello?”
“Hi!Oh my goodness, hi! I’m stuck in this loo! The lock won’t budge.”
“Someone is stuck in this loo!” the voice says in horror, clearly informing others in the hall with them of what’s going on.
“But it’s out of order!” another voice replies.
“Yes, the lock is broken!” the original voice replies.
Well, that would have been helpful information to know.Maybe they should put that on the bloody sign next time.
“Can you help me?” I ask timidly through the door, praying that the entire congregation can’t hear me at this point. “What do I do?”
“Have you tried getting the lock unstuck?” the original voice asks.
Yes, of course I’ve tried to get it unstuck, you moron.
“I have tried, yes, thank you, but it won’t budge,” I say.
“Then, there’s one thing for it. When this happened last time, we did manage to get them out, but that’s why we put the sign up after, so it wouldn’t happen again.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t actually peeing or anything,” I explain through the door. “I just needed to… uh… get a tissue. So I didn’t think the out-of-order sign mattered. I needed the cubicle but not the toilet if that makes sense.”
Why am I telling them this? Why am I justifying my stupidity? It doesn’t make the situation any less awkward! If anything, I’m making everyone out theremoreuncomfortable by yabbering away.
“Anyway,” I say quickly, “if you could do whatever worked last time this happened to someone, that would be great.”
“All right. Here, Gerald, you hold the Bible.”
