I’m not sure where that castle idea has come from, but it would be nice.
“How are you, Akin?” I ask pointedly, as he attempts to avoid eye contact.
“Yeah, I’m good, been super busy.” He clears his throat, then turns to Sarah. “We should get going, though, because we’re late… for the… for that thing.”
“Sure.” I nod as Sarah narrows her eyes at him. “Have fun at your thing. Nice to see you, Sarah.”
She gives me an apologetic smile and I dart round them, marching away down the road, adrenaline pumping through my veins at how awkward that situation was. I turn the corner and stop, leaning against a random wall and taking some deep breaths.
A really horrible side to breakups is losing friendships, too. I didn’t just get cut off from Matthew, I got cut off from his parents and those whom I met through him. There are some people I know I’ll stay in touch with—the true friends—but I appreciatethere are others I’ll have to let go. Although, after total silence from Akin, I’m not sure I mind losing him.
There’s loyalty and then there’s spinelessness.
My phone starts vibrating, still clutched in my hand from when I was messaging Ruby and Leo. I check the screen to see who it is and groan. Mum. I consider letting it ring out, but I still haven’t spoken to her and I might as well get it over with now when I have the excuse to hurry off as I reach Ruby’s flat.
Plus, I’ve just had one awkward conversation, might as well have two. Out of the pan and into the fire, as they say.
“Hi, Mum.”
“Freya!” she cries in surprise, causing me to hold the phone away from my ear to protect my poor eardrums. “Hello, darling! It’s me! Mum! Oh darling, how are you?”
“Fine, thank you. How are you?”
“I’ve been so worried about you! You poor, poor thing! Are you coping okay? Do you need me to come stay with you? Do you want to come here to the lakes for a bit? Get away from it all! I can’t believe what you’ve been through, you poor thing!”
Ah, Mum.
One of the things that bug me about her the most is how whenever we talk, which is rarely, she pretends as though we’re close friends who chat all the time. Even when I make snide comments—which I admit that I do, because it’s hard not to be angry at someone when they take no responsibility for their mistakes—she pretends that she doesn’t hear them or just glides over them and moves on to another point in the conversation.
It feels like a performance. She’s always cheerful, eccentric, fun Meredith. Nothing ever seems real with her. Maybe it’s because she wants to gloss over all the horrible, messy bits of the past and start afresh now that Adrian and I are grown-ups. But that’s not how life works.
We can’t pretend that she didn’t walk out on us. It’s not likeshe’d been all that present before, but when she left Dad and went to live with Evan, it was like she’d forgotten she had a family at all. She met Evan when she was working as an events coordinator for an environmental trust and he was leading one of the tree-planting projects her company was helping to fund.
I know.
Not exactly the sexy scenario that one might imagine would ignite a passionate love affair, but there you go.
I was fifteen and Adrian was eleven, and all of a sudden our mum was just—gone. She didn’t visit, she didn’t beg us to come see her at weekends, and neither she nor Dad really gave us much of an explanation as to what went wrong. We were upset and confused, but it was as though she didn’t care. The only silver lining to those years is that they brought Adrian and me closer together, forcing us to rely on each other in ways we might never have done otherwise.
The truth is, Mum had never been naturally maternal. She loved going out, being the life and soul of the party. She had loud, flamboyant friends, and a busy social calendar. I’m not sure she ever really wanted children. She married Dad when she was pregnant with me. He was the one who brought us up, even when they were together. He got us ready for school, cooked all the meals, took us out for trips on weekends, came to every school event. He was a single parent long before she left.
Mum and Dad are so different, it’s a miracle they lasted as long as they did—though it’s not as if they ever argued. In my head, they got on well. Mum made Dad laugh all the time. But after the divorce, when I thought properly about it, I realized he was always making excuses for her. When she promised to be somewhere, it was very likely she wouldn’t show. When she moved to the Lake District with Evan, she didn’t even bother to promise anymore.
“Yeah, it’s been tough, but I’m okay,” I tell her, looking downat the pavement. “Thank you for all the calls and messages. Anyway, I’m just off to meet—”
“I want you to know how sorry I am that this has happened,” she says, and I’m affected by the tone of desperation in her voice. I understand what Adrian was getting at now. It does sound like she means it, but she’s an awfully convincing performer. “I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through. How have you been coping?”
“Fine,” I assure her. “Keeping busy.”
“That’s important. You have good friends around you to support and look after you?”
“Yep, I do.”
“Thank goodness. I mean it, Freya, if you want to get away from London and have a break here, you’re welcome any time. We’d love to have you. The walks around here by the lakes are good for the soul. They bring so much peace.”
I purse my lips. “Thanks for the offer, but I can find peace here.”
“Have you been eating okay? Sleeping all right? I can recommend some meditation if that might help?”
