“Makeup isn’t applied to your eyeballs, you doughnut.”
I smile at her reflection. She smiles back.
“Can I get you anything?” I ask. “You want a drink? Or some food?”
“I’m fine, thanks. Actually, do you have any deodorant?”
“Yes, I do. Want me to get it for you?”
“Yes please. I can’t believe I forgot to bring deodorant to my wedding.”
“Of all the things you could have forgotten to bring, Rubes, deodorant is not a problem,” I insist. “I’ll be right back.”
I leave her hotel room and amble down to mine, which is only a few doors down. Ruby and Leo are having a relaxed, intimate wedding in a marquee in a field in Herefordshire—they wanted a boho vibe, like a music festival only chicer and less muddy—and we’re staying in a gorgeous boutique hotel fifteen minutes down the road. There are only ten rooms in the place and the beds are those four-poster ones that make you feel like you’re royalty. When it rained last weekend, there was some panic because it’s an outdoor ceremony in the field under a flower arch, but this week has been much better weatherwise. Today it’s cloudy, due to get sunnier later in the afternoon. It will be perfect.
I get into my room and spot my deodorant on the dressing table next to my phone, which has just started buzzing loudly. I grab it and pick up.
“Hi, Mum.”
“Darling! You sound sprightly today!”
“You got sprightly from two words?”
“Oh, I can sense moods from no words at all.”
“Right.” I roll my eyes. “How are you, all okay?”
“I wanted to check, do you eat chickpeas?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Oh good! I’m making a casserole for you next weekend and it has chickpeas in it. I know they can divide people. It’s the texture, you see. Quite powdery.”
“Sounds delicious. Anyway, I’d better—”
“How is Ruby this morning? You can tell her that I buried a sausage last night in her honor!”
“Not the sausages thing again,” I groan.
“Is it raining today on her wedding day? No. There you have it.”
“Mum, you burying a sausage has no effect on the weather. It’s science.”
“It’s faith, darling. Sometimes it’s healthy to have some of that.”
I lift my eyes to the ceiling. “If you say so.”
“We aresoexcited to see you next weekend. We’re going to prepare your room this week and we’ve worked out all the meals. Evan has booked one of our favorite pubs for the Saturday evening! Just you wait till you see the view!”
I soften at her enthusiasm. “Sounds really nice, Mum. I’m looking forward to it.”
“I’ve asked Kian from the poetry club to bake one of his famous lemon and elderflower cakes for you. I don’t know how he gets his sponge so moist.”
I wince. “Okay, enough of the word ‘moist.’ That all sounds great, Mum, but I have to go.”
“Yes, a big day ahead of you, and Ruby will need her right-hand woman! Before you go, though, I want to read something to you.”
“Oh no, that’s really not necess—”
