“Can’t say I didn’t deserve it.”
He looks at me and then lets out a sigh, shaking his head. “I’m so sorry, Freya. I’m sorry for a lot of things, but I want to apologize in particular for the way I acted in the restaurant. And for being there… with someone. It was a first date and we’re not seeing each other again.”
I nod slowly. “I appreciate the apology. I’m sorry for her that her date was ruined.”
“It was for the best, I’m sure.” He pauses, watching me with a pained expression. “I knew it would be difficult coming here, but shit. I feel so awkward.”
“You don’t need to feel awkward.”
“I’ve been trying to work out what to say to you,” he continues.“How to get across… how to make sense of all of it. I do… I do miss you, Freya. Of course I miss you. You must hate me.”
“I don’t hate you. Well, I mean, I go through phases.”
He gives a sad smile at that.
“I’m grateful to you for coming over today to talk,” I add sincerely. “I needed to do this.”
“It’s so hard and confusing sitting here with you.”
“I know, but we never sat down together and talked things out. You got to have your say when you called the wedding off. But there are things I need to say, too.”
“It was too hard. You have no idea how difficult it is to face you after everything I’ve done. Everything I’ve put you through. And I know I’ve been shit with my phone and contacting you, but I was trying… I wanted to give us space.”
“I can understand that. But there are better ways of doing it than simply ignoring me. It made me feel small. I didn’t deserve that, Matthew.”
“How could I face you after I’d canceled our wedding the day before? I’m the villain. Everyone was so mad at me. I thought I should just… leave it all behind for a bit. Sounds ridiculous, but it made sense in my head. I never wanted to hurt you, Freya, and one of the reasons I needed to stay away…” He trails off, looking up at me with wide, glistening eyes. “I do sometimes wonder if I made the right decision.”
There it is. A knife to the heart.
“I know that’s not fair,” he continues hurriedly. “But please know, the reason I wasn’t contacting you, the reason I had to be distant and cut you off, was partly because of self-preservation, Freya. And then I called you when you were in Dublin because I snapped and then I had to bring myself away again and I—”
“Matthew,” I interrupt, because it’s time to step in and take the reins. “You broke up with me after twelve years and then refused to talk to me about it. You’d given me a ring and madea promise. I wasn’t sure if you were walking away from the wedding or from me, and whether you even knew the answer to that yourself. You cut me out to protect yourself, then expected me to act calmly and rationally. You expected me to simply accept your decision that affected both of our lives in such an extraordinary way without questioning it or needing anything more from you. I know I’m a ‘sturdy’ character and everything, but I’m also human.”
“Yes, but as I just said, I was trying to do the right thing and—”
“I appreciate that. You break up with someone, you should give each other time and space. But you should also give an opportunity to talk. I had to push for today to happen. I had to go through the humiliation of unreturned calls and messages to get to this point, which you should have offered me when you broke your promise. You have every right to change and act on your feelings, but you don’t have a right to minimize mine.”
“Freya—”
“Like you, I’ve been trying to work out what to say to you today,” I go on, ignoring him, desperate to get my piece across before I lose my confidence. “And that’s actually a really big step, you know, because before I was flapping about, wondering what you were going to say to me. I didn’t think about what I had to say. Mum reminded me of that.”
He looks stunned. “Your mum? You’ve been talking to her?”
“It was like a switch in my brain. I realized this whole time, I’ve been holding on to something, because the idea of closing our chapter… it was almost unbearable. We’ve been through so much together. We know each other better than anyone else. The truth of it is, you’re my best friend.”
He swallows audibly.
“I mean, you were my best friend. And I was yours. I like to think that’s why you waited until the last minute to call off the wedding. It was cowardly what you did. Truly cowardly.”
He nods slowly. “I know. I’ve always said that, Freya, I’ll never forgive—”
“But in the end, it was also the right thing to do.”
As the words come out of my mouth, I feel the urge to cry. So, I let it happen. I don’t try to stop the tears flowing. I let them spill over, falling down my perfectly made-up cheeks, probably leaving murky foundation lines as they go.
Matthew looks utterly thrown by this statement and, as I start to cry, his eyes well up.
“I wish it hadn’t been the right thing to do,” I continue with a defeated shrug, trying not to let my voice break. “I really wish it hadn’t. I wish we’d got married and had a family and grown old together. That’s what I wanted. I was in love with you. But you weren’t in love with me, so that’s that.”
