I don’t know when my dad got so profound. I always thought he sort of bumbled through life, but it turns out that underneath it all, he’s bloody Yoda.
He catches me looking at him strangely.
“What?” he says defensively. “I thought you could use some wise words for your speech. Whatever you do, keep it under two minutes. I don’t want you encouraging every Dick and Harry here to pick up the microphone and tell us their feelings, all right?”
That’s more like it.
“Hi everyone—”
Oh bloody hell.
“—my name is Freya, I’m Rachel’s cousin—”
This is actually happening.
“—and I just wanted to say a few words.”
I swear the number of guests has doubled since I took up the microphone.
Oh shit. I’ve just realized I’ve forgotten my notes.
They’re in my clutch.
What have I done?!
“I promise I’ll keep this short—”
Dad’s nodding in agreement. Yes, thanks, Dad, I know.
Oh, and look, Adrian is filming with his phone, so we can watch this back whenever we want.
How wonderful.
“—I appreciate it’s unusual for a cousin to make a speech, but I mentioned to Rachel and Carley that I had a few words to say, and they have graciously allowed me to do so.”
I hate Ruby and Leo. Why am I friends with them?
“I’m not very good at this sort of thing, so bear with me.”
What the fuck, how am I so sweaty everywhere, yet my mouth is so dry?
The moisture in my body appears to have become very imbalanced.
“I just wanted to say that… um…”
Mum is mouthing something at me. What’s she saying? “Muck up”?
Whywould she instruct me tomuck up?! What iswrongwith that woman?! And there I was thinking we were on better terms, well she better—
Oh. “Speak up.” That’s what she’s mouthing. Speak up.
Okay, that’s actually quite helpful.
“Sorry, let me hold this mic a bit closer. Can everyone hear me now? Okay, good. Sorry about that. Where was I?”
I’m going to ask Phil to send me on a public speaking course.
How have I got this far in my career with theseshiteskills?! I blame Phil, he should have pulled me up on this.
