“Who?” Leo asks.
“Jamie.”
Ruby’s eyes widen. “You spoke to him after?”
“Just over WhatsApp. I didn’t know his room number so I couldn’t go around shouting his name. I also didn’t think he’d want to speak to me, so I sent him a message. Ryan gave me his number the first time I met him.”
“What did you say?” Ruby asks, as I chew on a marshmallow.
“I apologized. I didn’t give a long explanation. I just said I was really sorry about what happened.”
“And?”
“And he replied saying, ‘It’s okay. I understand.’”
“That’s it?” She looks confused. “You didn’t have any other conversation?”
“Nope.”
“Seriously? Nothing? After that steamy kiss?”
“That steamy kiss was ruined by me and my stupidity,” I remind her, taking a sip of hot chocolate in the hope it will make me feel better, but all it does is burn my tongue. “What could either of us say? We probably both feel as embarrassed as each other.”
“Do you want to speak to Jamie?” she asks curiously.
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” I scrunch up my face like a toddler. “I feel so confused. I really like him, you know? We click. It’s weird, it’s like we’ve known each other for a while and I feel happy in his company, just at ease and relaxed. But I can’t think about that right now. I’m a mess. My head is all over the place. It’s too much.”
“What about Matthew?” Leo says, his eyebrows knitted together in concentration.
Ruby wrinkles her nose. “What about him?”
“It seems like a big deal, him calling,” he tells her pointedly, before turning back to me. “What happened after the phone call?”
“Well, this is what makes everything so much worse,” I say, grimacing at the thought of having to say this out loud. “Nothing.”
Leo and Ruby share a questioning glance.
“Nothing happened after the phone call,” I explain quietly. “I haven’t heard from him. No calls, no messages, nothing.”
Ruby gasps. “You’re joking?”
“No, I’m not. So, you can imagine how much of an idiot I feel. All of that for nothing. He put my head into a spin and vanished again.”
“Hang on,” Leo says, holding up his hands before Ruby has the opportunity to explode into a tirade about Matthew, “have you reached out to him at all?”
“Yes, of course. I barely slept, I was all over the place after what he said. I messaged, called. Nothing.” I sigh, leaning my head back against the cushion and closing my eyes.
Leo looks pained on my behalf. “Why wouldn’t he at least message to apologize? He must have known how it would upset you.”
“He’s a coward,” Ruby states simply.
“You know,” I begin, clasping my warm mug in my hands as though it’s a precious relic, “if I’m being crazily honest,I loved getting that phone call. I did, I loved it. Even if it ruined my night. It made me feel so good that he was thinking of me enough to call me. It gave me some of my power back. The hardest thing about this breakup has been Matthew acting like a total stranger. I haven’t been allowed to see him; the only messages I’ve received have been cold and impersonal. Sometimes, I’ve felt genuinely insane, like I was in that relationship for twelve years on my own. Or as though I’d somehow forced him to propose without my knowledge; that I’d fooled him as well as myself into thinking we had a future. And with one drunken phone call, I felt validated. He made me feel important to him again. It was an amazing feeling.” I take a deep breath. “God, I amsuchan idiot.”
Leo and Ruby listen patiently, their expressions full of sadness and concern.
“I’m back at the beginning again,” I add glumly.
“No, you’re not,” Ruby insists, reaching over to rest her hand on my knee. “You know how I know that?”
