A grin. ‘Could eat cottage cheese off that pert wee arse all night long.’ Not the stuff with pineapple in it, though, that would just be perverse. ‘Think she’s a screamer? I think she’s a screamer.’
Susan’s voice dropped to an angry whisper. ‘I have toworkwith these people!’
Another young woman rocked up to them: ginger hair, freckles, and a tartan miniskirt – proffering glasses of sparkly drinks on a big silver tray. She was probably going for a welcoming smile, but it came off a bit serial-killery. ‘Champagne or Buck’s Fizz?’
Roberta helped herself to two glasses of pale-golden fizz. ‘Ta.’ Then nodded at Susan. ‘You want one too?’
‘You arenotto get drunk and humiliate me, Robbie. I swear, if you do...’
‘Ah well, all the more for me.’ She scoofed half of the first glass, stifling the resulting belch because this was clearly meant to be a classy do.
Up ahead, the queue parted as a lanky PC, wearing the full Police Scotland uniform, stumbled in through the doors, against the flow of people. ‘Pardon me, scuse me...’ He’d accessorised the black T-shirt, peaked cap, and itchy trousers with this season’s must-haves – a utility belt, stabproof vest, and high-vis waistcoat. A suit carrier draped over one shoulder, a rucksack held in the other hand. Thin, and Adam’s appley, with a close-cropped head of ginger hair. Like Irn-Bru-coloured suede.
‘Barbara!’ He lankied over to Miss Perky-Cleavage, all hangdog and puppy-eyed. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry...’
‘Where the hell have you been?’ She jabbed a finger at the queue. ‘It’s starting!’
‘It’s all the rain. Bob Ronnach’s farm’s flooded, we had to rescue his sheep. They’re talking about the reservoir bursting and—’
Her finger came around and poked him instead. ‘If you make me late for mybrother’s wedding, Michael McKinnon, I’m going to skin you alive and make you eat the bits!’
‘Sorry, sorry, I’ll be a flash, I swear!’ And with that, he scurried off up the big wooden staircase, taking it two steps at a time.
Miss Perky-Cleavage scowled after him. ‘Men!’
Aha.
Roberta gave her a wave, throwing in a wee leer for good luck. ‘Serve him right if you join the Sapphic Sisterhood,Babs. We’ve got very good introductory offers and an excellent mentoring programme.’
Susan’s elbow jabbed into Roberta’s ribs. ‘I said, don’t embarrass me!’
‘Ask us about our First-Time-Lesbian Starter-Pack specials!’
Barbara, AKA: Miss Perky, stuck her nose in the air and flounced off after her lanky PC.
Ah well, couldn’t convert them all. Not on thefirstgo.
Roberta grinned. ‘I like ’em feisty.’
Susan just glared at her.
3
Gah... It was boiling in here.
Sunlight streamed through the high, stained-glass windows, painting the pews and their occupants in vibrant rainbow colours. Like a really stuffy Pride parade, populated with middle-aged tosspots. Had to be at least two hundred of them, crammed into the chapel, listening to the fat old git up front droning on and on about the benefits and blessings of marriage.
No way he was a day under seventy-five. Bet he hadn’t seen his willy for at least two decades, and if he did there wouldn’t be enough Viagra in the world to make it sit up and beg.
Roberta wriggled in her seat, trying to work those damned pants out of her crack by the power of friction alone, because apparently it was bad manners to dig at your bumhole in church. As if an all-seeing God didn’t already know you had half a pair of Brazilian pants wedged where the sun seldom shone.
The bride was growing on her though, standing up there with that magnificent boobage all blue and gold in the stained light. Beaming. ‘I do!’
The lucky sod she was marrying had the floppy-brown hair of a public schoolboy, broad shoulders, upright bearing – as if someone had jammed a flagpole up his rear-end – and, shockingly enough, actually looked good in the full kilt get-up. Even if hewaswearing one of those oh-so-slapable, ain’t-I-the-greatest? smiles.
‘Excellent, excellent.’ The minister raised his liver-spotted hands to the congregation. ‘And will you, Adriana and Douglas’s family and friends, love and support them in their union?’
The whole lot of them belted it out as one: ‘We will.’
