All those filming phones phones turned to point at the old git in paisley pyjamas.
‘Thank you.’ Lord Thingumy-BingBong preened a little in the silence. ‘Now, I’m sure you’re all aware how essential it is we haveorderanddisciplineat times like this, so I’m going to have to ask all the ladies to retire to their rooms. There’s no need for you to see any more of this unpleasantness.’ He clapped his hands again. ‘Off you go, chop, chop. There’s good girls.’
Patronising git.
Some of the women did what they were told, which was pretty sodding unbelievable in this day and age. Like feminism never happened. Sir Reginald Bradbury-Scott wasn’t the only one in need of a damn hard slap. But before Roberta could do the needful, he was at it again.
‘Not to worry, you’re all perfectly safe. There we go.’ Wafting them away with a dismissive gesture. Trying the same thing with Roberta and Susan. ‘You too.’
‘Aye, that’ll be shining.’ She squared up to him, chest and chin out. ‘You wanting me to shove my righteous feminist boot up your wrinkly sexist bumhole, grandad?’
He flinched back a couple of steps. ‘Your breath isrepulsive.’ Wafting a hand in front of his face. ‘And this is a time for level heads, not... undisciplined rude people running around in their revolting underwear.’
Underwear?
Roberta had a wee glance in the downward direction.
Ah. Right. Yup, she’d rushed down here wearing nothing on her top half but her bra. Oh, Old Faithful hadstarted outwhite, but after years and years of washing she’d faded to a kind of dental-plaque-beigey-grey colour. OK, so maybe she wasn’t in the first flush of youth, and her underwire had a habit of wandering from time to time, but she was a bra you couldcount on. Dependable. Sturdy. Comfortable. Which was more than could be said of the twin-lacy-black-hammocks monstrosity she’d tried on yesterday.
And at least Roberta’s lower half was covered, right? Even if it was in grass-stained suit trousers and damp stripy socks.
Sometimes you just had to work with what you had.
She gave him the benefit of a good hard evil eye. ‘Oh, you think so, do you?’ Then hauled on her proper DCI voice, the one that struck fear into constables and detective inspectors alike. ‘RIGHT, YOU LOT, STOP FILMING THAT BLOODY BODY AND CALL THE POLICE!’
A nervous woman’s voice wafted through from the back of the group. ‘There’s no reception?’
Bit ironic for a wedding...
‘Ah yes.’ A flat, monotone English accent. ‘Storm must’ve disabled the masts. Happens all the time out here in the sticks.’
A monotone Edinburgh voice joined in. ‘And thepower, of course.’ Disappointed tut. ‘Surprised somewhere like this doesn’t have a backup generator, mind you.’
‘That’s very true. I know they can be expensive to install, but the support they—’
‘Nairn,’ the old git in the paisley PJs snapped his fingers, ‘see to the generator.’
The gamekeeper actually tugged the brim of his tartan bunnet. ‘Aye, Your Lairdship.’ Then scurried off, taking his shotgun with him.
The Laird clapped his hands again. ‘Now, let’s not have any more of this silliness. I’m in command here and—’
‘My sharny arse, you are.’ Roberta stepped in close, breath and bra be damned. ‘I’m—’
‘Given yourvulgardisplay last night I don’t think you’re in any position to make demands!’
‘Who are you calling “vulgar”, you scrotum-faced old bawbag?’
A sneer curled his military moustache. ‘You’re a nasty woman whoclearlyneeds a man’s firm hand to teach you humility and some damned manners!’
Right, that was it: time to introduce her knee bone to His Lordship’s bollocks as hard as—
Sergeant Sandy Moore pushed his way between them, wearing a pair of Spider-Man pyjamas. And not pyjamas with Spider-Man on them, these wereactuallyprinted to look like the costume – blue and red, complete with webbing and the logo on his barrel chest. ‘All right, break it up!’ Forcing them both back, then raising his voice to bellow out: ‘CONSTABLE MCKINNON?’
The wee loon’s muffled voice came from somewhere over by the ballroom doors. ‘Sarge?’
‘Get your uniform on. Then: back here ASAP and secure this crime scene!’
‘Sarge.’
