“A letter.” Grace pulled out a black envelope from her handbag. Just like the other letters Henry had sent me, it was sealed with gold wax. “You don’t have to read it just because Henrywants you to. It’s your decision. Just say the word, and I’ll throw it in the bin.”
I stared at the black envelope in Grace’s hands. My throat suddenly felt tight, and a familiar pressure started building behind my eyes. So much for not crying today.
Grace stepped closer and held out the letter to me. I hesitated, torn between the desire to know what it said and the fear of finding out. But I missed Henry, and the thought of being close to him, even if just for a few seconds through his words on the paper, was too tempting to resist.
I broke the seal and pulled out the letter. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw Henry’s messy handwriting, which was barely legible even though he had clearly made an effort.
I started reading.
Kate,
I don’t know where to start. A simple “I’m sorry” doesn’t seem like enough, but I am sorry. I’m sorry I broke your trust. I’m sorry I did this to us. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the Vitalyn. That was a mistake, and I’m ashamed—most of all, of my own cowardice.
I’ve felt guilty about it since you told me about your mum, because I knew what I was doing would hurt you. I was determined to stop, but I kept finding reasons why taking another tablet was OK.
Stress. Exhaustion. Too much work.
That’s probably why I didn’t tell you about it. I kept telling myself that every time would be the last—and it never was. Looking back, I see that my reasons for continuing to take it weren’t actually reasons but excuses. But I’m done with that now. I know you’ll have a hard time believing it, because your mum never managed to stop, but I’m serious. I’ve thrown away every single Vitalyn tablet. I’m quitting because you are the most important thing in my life, my angel.
Yours forever,
Henry
58
How is Kate doing? I’m looking forward to our movie night later. Should I bring something? Chocolate? Ice cream?
Message from Rose to Grace
Kate
“What do you think about this one?” Grace asked, sliding her laptop towards me so I could see the job posting she’d found. We were sitting on her bed, Grace searching for jobs for me on her laptop while I scoured the internet on Amy’s iPad.
I skimmed the posting, then shook my head. “They’ll never hire me. They want at least five years of relevant experience,” I replied, pointing at the requirements.
“Shit,” Grace muttered. “I didn’t see that.”
I smiled, trying not to show how much the job hunt was wearing me down. I wanted to work, but it was sobering how slim my chances were. In a desperate attempt to get my mum off drugs, I’d put my entire life on hold. I’d dropped out of school early to take care of her, and now I was faced with the fallout of that decision. Perhaps that was part of why I’d been so afraid of being withHenry, faced with addiction. I couldn’t sacrifice everything for another person again, only to be left with nothing.
“And continuing to work for The Darlington really isn’t an option?” Amy asked, sitting cross-legged on the floor as she rifled through the flashcards I would be testing her on later. “You liked that job, and you would get to keep working with Grace.”
I shook my head, although I knew Henry would let me stay on at The Darlington. He had told me my position at the hotel wasn’t dependent on our relationship, but I couldn’t go back to work there. It would mean returning to Henry. His letter alone was enough to make me weak, because my heart wanted to be weak. It wanted to forgive him—until my mind reminded it that neither declarations of love nor promises were enough. It was easy to write that he had stopped taking Vitalyn, but staying clean was hard. And how was I supposed to believe him after he’d hidden his addiction for so long?
“If I were you, I wouldn’t want to work there anymore either,” Grace said, patting my shoulder sympathetically.
We spent a while longer searching for jobs—a sobering experience. What was meant to be a distraction from my heartbreak only reminded me that I had given up a perfect life others would have clung to for dear life. But I’d had to learn at far too young an age that life would never be perfect if you lived in constant fear for the person you loved.
19th December
Kate,
I miss you. It’s probably not fair to write that after what I did to us, but it’s the truth. I miss you, my angel. My parents think my life will be easier now that you’re gone, but they’re wrong. It has never felt harder, and that’s not just because of the Vitalyn detox.
I want to be honest—it isn’t easy. I’ve been clean for a couple of days, and... it’s bad. But not being able to talk to you, touch you, or kiss you is a thousand times worse.
Yours forever,
Henry
