He’sbeenin love with me?
His words don’t just knock me back a step. They knock me all the way back to the corner of the boxing ring. They have me shaking my head to clear it after a sucker punch. And then they have me coming out of the corner swinging.
“Don’t lie, Keegan. You don’t have to lie about this.”
He looks at me like I’ve slapped him. Like my words shocked him. “I’m not lying, Meg.”
I want to believe him. I really do. But that part of me—the part that knows who I am and all that Keegan is—knows that just can’t be true. It can’t be. Reid’s words come back to me, reminding me of therealityof my friendship with Keegan, and I argue back. “If you’ve been in love with me, then why didn’t you make a move until last night? Why is this the first time in our decade of friendship that this has come up?”
He just gapes at me for a second and then laughs, incredulity in it. “This isn’t the first time it’s come up. That first year, I asked you out.”
“No, you didn’t.” I shake my head, take a step back.
“Yeah. I did.” He’s not laughing anymore.
“Sure. A couple of times. Out of pity or whatever. You were just being friendly. Because I was this weird, pathetic girl you had to rescue.”
“No. You were this gorgeous, brilliant girl who had her life all planned out.” He takes a step towards me. “I didn’t ask you out because I pitied you. I asked you out because I wanted to spend time with you. Because I wantedyou. But you turned me down. Over and over again.”
“No. That’s not what ...” I take another step back.
But he follows. “You’re the one who made it clear that you just wanted to be friends. You wanted to focus on college. You didn’t have time to waste on a boyfriend. So I settled for friendship, because I wanted you in my life. I thought I could be patient. I was ready to wait for you. To wait for you until you were ready for something more. But then you started dating that douchebag, Ollie. Do you have any idea how hard it was to watch you date that guy? That loser who was never good enough for you? But he seemed to be what you wanted. So I pulled back. I tried to move on.”
He pauses, seeming like he’s waiting for me to say something. But I don’t know what to say. I have no words at all. No way to respond, because I can barely process the words he’s saying.
When I don’t say anything, he shrugs. “And then you broke up with him. You kicked him out. And I thought, okay. I finally have my shot. Only now you’ve got a crush on some boss of yours. On the boss who doesn’t even recognize how much you contribute to the team or pay you what you’re worth.”
“That’s not—”
“Don’t defend him. I have zero interest in talking about Reid. Or your job. I just want to know if you're finally ready to give us a chance. You wanted to know why I haven’t made my move before now? I have made my move, Meg. I’vebeenmaking my move for the past decade. You just haven’t been paying attention. You’ve pushed me so far into the friendzone that even after we spend the night making love to each other, and I’m telling you right to your face that I want this, I want us to be a couple, you’re still grappling for reasons I don’t like you. When the truth is, I’ve loved you for years.”
My back is against the counter now, but it might as well be against the wall, because that’s how I feel. He’s not even touching me. He’s not caging me in with his arms or anything, but I feel trapped.
Trapped by his words and the implications behind them.
He’s been in love with me all this time? He’s been making his move, and I just ignored him?
How is any of that possible?
It’s so contrary to my understanding of our friendship. To my understanding of the world and the laws of physics.
Is this what the pope felt like when Galileo tried to explain Copernican astronomy? Like, suddenly, nothing in the world makes sense anymore?
How am I supposed to fold any of this into my understanding of the universe? Into my understanding of my life?
What am I supposed to do with this information?
Now. At this moment.
I don’t know. I don't know how to process any of this.
So I do the only thing I can do. I push back.
“This.” I jab a finger in his direction. “This right here is why I didn’t want to have this discussion right now.”
“What?”
“I can’t handle this right now. I don’t have time to reframe our entire relationship. I can’t process any of this. I have to get ready for the presentation that is happening in less than twenty-four hours. It’s the most important presentation I’ve ever done. Nailing it could mean a promotion. B-blowing it could mean my job. And frankly, the fact that you would even try to have this conversation with me right now is kind of a dick move.”
