But there are too many, and my mind wanders back to Drasuk. Always back to Drasuk.
The way he moves, the way he talks, it all grates on my nerves. There's something else there, too, something I don't want to admit.
A grudging respect, maybe. He's good at what he does, and he knows it. He's a survivor, like me. Maybe that's why I can't shake him from my thoughts.
He's a mirror, reflecting parts of myself that I'd rather not see. Just how much of my humanity have I lost in my quest to forget? I haven't let anyone tell me.
He won't hold back pointing out my flaws, I'm sure of it. Am I ready to face them?
I shift again, trying to find a comfortable position. The ground is unyielding, but I force myself to settle. The night is growing colder, and the chill is already working its way into my bones.
It makes it easier for my eyelids to droop over my eyes, and shortly after that, I don't feel much of anything else as the world fades to black.
18
Drasuk
I spend hours watching her, my eyes tracing the delicate lines of her form against the dim light. The forest around us hums with life, but all I can focus on is Kira. She intrigues me, but there's something else, something deeper, that pulls me toward her.
Something that reminds me of my short-lived obsession with Nkisa in my youth... The one I knew better than to talk about with my broodmates.
As the night wears on, I find my thoughts drifting. I've never spent this much time with a female I was focused on before, especially not one so different from my kind.
Maj'Ras males rarely interact with civilian females unless chosen when they go into heat. It is very bad form to pursue Maj'Ras females, since they chose a warrior's path, and I was never interested in being confined to a city.
Kira's presence stirs something unfamiliar within me. Doubt, that's what it is.
I don't like it.
I remember the way she bristled at my teasing earlier, the flash of anger in her eyes. At the time, it had been amusing, but now I wonder if I crossed a line.
Was my excitement to engage with her overwhelming?
Different species have different ways of expressing amusement and interest. What's entertaining to me might be uncomfortable, even offensive, to her.
Yet, for some inexplicable reason, I did not want to stop. If I'm honest with myself, I don't plan to stop. It's too satisfying.
I just don't know why.
My gaze drifts back to her, curled up defensively in the makeshift shelter.
That sweet scent she carries wafts toward me again, and I inhale deeply, feeling a jolt of energy course through my body.
The realization hits me hard: I want to mate with her.
The thought is as exhilarating as it is terrifying. It has been a long time since I felt this way, and it's both thrilling and confusing. I have no idea how to convince a female to choose me for her heat, which is very inconvenient since this little human seems to be right in the middle of hers.
Suddenly, I can't stand being so close to her. The urge to act on my instincts is overpowering, and I know I need to distance myself before I do something foolish.
With a burst of movement, I spring up, scaling the nearest tree with ease. The rough bark feels grounding under my claws, a needed anchor for the chaotic swirl of my emotions.
Some things aren't meant to be felt, let alone expressed.
As I reach a branch high above, I hear her voice, faint but clear. "Taking the first watch, then?" she mutters, still half asleep from me disturbing her.
I pause, torn between the desire to respond and the need to maintain my distance. "I thought you needed rest more often than me, being of weaker constitution and all," I call down, my tone light but strained.
She doesn't rise to the bait, her silence in contrast to the earlier fire.
