She laughs, and I feel like a fool. She must see it in my spines because she places a hand on my arm and her face turns more serious.
"Drasuk. Let's make sure one thing is very clear. Arousal isn't a weakness. It can be, but only if you let it rule you. I think we've demonstrated our power over it, don't you?"
I let out a grumble to concede her point, and she continues. "There are many different ways to share pleasure. Will you trust me to tell you if something is hurting me? Can we agree to communicate our limits?"
I take a long moment to think it over. I'm not sure when it happened, exactly, but I trust her, and I know she trusts me. "Yes, agreed."
Then we sit there awkwardly, neither one of us making a move to touch the other. We just keep cutting our gazes over and then looking away.
She takes in a deep breath. "I came into this convinced we should just get a hard fuck out of the way, tamp down on the arousal, and move on with our lives... But that is the wrong approach."
My spines shift with embarrassment. "Because of my inexperience?"
"That's what first gave me pause, sure, and I think you're right about preserving our partnership, but that's also not why. I don't even know what it is, just that I feel like I'm missing some important piece you aren't communicating."
I know what the missing piece is.
What she is offering is exactly what my species does, except solely for hatchlings and we don't speak of the pleasure. Like it is something to be ashamed of. I should be thrilled to no longer have all the conflicting feelings stampeding around in my brain.
I'm not, though.
I feel sick with disappointment. Like there was a glimmer of something building I wanted to push away with vehemence and embrace all at the same time, and what she is offering is destroying it before it can grow into something amazing.
It's funny how it took being offered what I should want to make me realize I've been running away from what I absolutely need from her.
What I can only get from her.
"Kira," I start, then stop, not sure how to voice it.
She just looks at me intently, waiting, giving me the space to work through how terrifying this feels, quick glances at my spines letting me know she has sensed it.
"What you offer should make me happy. My species doesn't attach themselves to each other. In fact, although we are sureanother drak is there to express love to our hatchlings, we think showing it to each other as a mate bond is one of the greatest forms of weakness."
Her above eye fur shoots up, but she doesn't interrupt me.
"I want more than that, Kira. I want what you said your parents had. What manticorids have with their mates. Even if it makes me an outcast among draks. I want that."
I clear the fear from my throat, then continue. "I want that with you, Kira."
She blinks several times, then her expression displays her own discomfort. "Thank you for explaining it, Drasuk. I'm not saying no, but you should know that I'm afraid of the bond my parents had. It killed my mother when he died. Maybe not instantly, but eventually. I'm already broken as it is. If I let you in... If you die..."
She can't finish. She just keeps making hard swallows and her eyes are full of the liquid that betrays big feelings in her species.
"First, you aren't broken, but we can leave the conversation for another time." I try to be gentle, but she needs a hard truth. "Would denying it make it any easier if I were to die tomorrow?"
She lets out a huff of air, then spends a few long moments thinking.
After a dark chuckle, she speaks. "I'm not known for getting attached. I've also never considered crossing the line to have sexwith someone I served with. If you think of it that way, I'm just as inexperienced at this as you are."
That makes me feel better, and my body loosens. "I propose we don't have sex tonight, then. We explore each other and let ourselves enjoy each new thing. No need to rush."
She turns to me with one of her blunt-toothed smiles. "Except possible death tomorrow?"
My spines shift to show my own amusement. "I think we've both stared down imminent death enough times to know it can't make decisions for us. But you do understand what I am saying I want, correct? I would rather not do this if you aren't willing to at least try to form a mate bond."
"Yes," she tells me in a small voice, then repeats it in a stronger one. "Yes. Touch me, Drasuk."
She leans back and I take a long moment to simply enjoy watching her. Such a small vessel for so much fire. She looks soft now in a way I have never seen and never imagined possible.
