Dex pulls me into a rough sideways hug, and I press my eyes into his shoulder, praying for strength.
“I didn’t get any charges for it or anything,” I mumble. “But I still blame myself. If only I’d gotten on the road a couple minutes earlier instead of misplacing the keys. If only I’d been driving a bit slower. If only I’d been paying better attention.
“It was all over the news the next day. And I couldn’t handle it. I just left. I packed everything I had at my apartment and dumped it on my parents’ lawn, and then I hitchhiked out of town.
“I thought I’d be able to get a grip on myself after a few weeks. But I didn’t. It just got worse. I’ve been a fucking mess ever since that day. You’ve seen how—”
Dex’s arms tighten around me, and I take what comfort I can from his solid presence.
“And it’s not just the nightmares and the way I can’t stop thinking about the crash,” I mutter. “It’s the fact that I’m so fucking weak that I can’t pull myself back together again. It’s the way I froze up when I was supposed to be saving her. The way I still can’t fucking drive without having a panic attack.”
“Didn’t you borrow my car the other day?”
I give a choked laugh. “I tried. I didn’t make it past putting the key in the ignition.”
“That’s the night you were drinking,” Dex says with dawning understanding.
I don’t say anything.
“You’re not weak,” Dex murmurs. “You’ve had something horrific happen to you, and it’s hard for you to cope with it because you care so much. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, Korren. But—”
Dex leans back and puts a hand on my cheek, forcing me to turn so he can look into my reddened eyes. “I think part of your problem is that you’re afraid of letting anyone else in. Afraid of relying on someone besides yourself. And you shouldn’t be. Needing someone there for you doesn’t mean you’re weak. Hell, I was so lonely before I moved in with you that I didn’t care what we did as long as I had someone to live with. Even before—” He coughs.
“About that,” I say. I have to get it out now before I lose my courage. “I wasn’t being truthful with you earlier. Because—” This is coming out all wrong. “Fuck, Dex. I love you too. All right? And I’m fucking terrified about it.”
Chapter 44
Dex
Korren’s words lodge themselves deep in my chest, where they begin melting away the ache left from all the smoke. After the way he reacted earlier, when I told him how I felt, I’ve been treading a delicate line between giving him comfort and affection and not pushing against the boundary he drew when he told me this wasn’t part of the deal.
Now I look into his eyes, unable to believe what he’s just said. His eyes are puffy from crying, his cheeks tearstained—I know how hard it was telling me everything, know that it would have felt like a violation of his basic nature to open up instead of keeping everything locked in tight.
“Korren,” I whisper.
Even in the dim light spilling from the window behind me, I can see the wide-open vulnerability in his eyes. He’s given me everything he has, and he’s waiting to see how I react.
I’m still wary. I don’t know what will be too much for him right now.
“Korren. I love you so fucking much,” I say in a low voice. I graze a thumb over his cheek and then lean forward to give him a gentle, lingering kiss.
We can figure things out in the morning. Right now I just need to show him that I love him unconditionally, that nothing he’s told me has changed anything.
“Where even are we?” I ask, looking around. “This isn’t an actual hospital, is it?”
“Just a temporary medical station they’ve set up,” Korren says hoarsely.
“Is there somewhere for us to sleep?”
“No idea.”
I take his hand and lead him back inside, where the nurse insists on taking my blood pressure and oxygen levels and listening to my lungs before releasing us to a nearby motel that’s being used for emergency accommodation for anyone working on the fire.
There are two double beds in our room, and suddenly I’m not sure what we’ll do, because he was always very wary of the dares that involved cuddling and bed-sharing, more so than full-blown sex. And as much as I love having him close at night, if being with Korren means we have to sleep separately, I’ll do it. I wouldn’t give him up for anything.
Before I can ask, Korren answers my question when he ventures, “Can I sleep with you tonight?” There’s hope and desperate need in his voice, which I was absolutely not expecting.
“’Course, baby,” I say, tugging him close into my arms, where his head rests against my chest. I hold him there for a long time, so damn glad I’m allowed to do this now. “I love sleeping with you. You must’ve know that. But I thought you hated it.”
