As I walked towards the entrance of my dorm building, I heard the engine start up again. I couldn’t help but turn around to watch her drive away.
And despite how nervous she made me feel, despite how confusing everything was, I already knew I was looking forward to seeing her again.
Whether I wanted to admit it or not.
V
“Our visions begin with our desires.”
— Audre Lorde
Chapter Six
Marley
The sound of music booming from the sitting room of my best friend, Atlas, and her very beautiful but no-nonsense Mexican girlfriend, Carmen, had me rolling my eyes from where I stood. People were everywhere, dancing away or shouting over each other in half-heard conversations.
How anyone could hear themselves think over that noise was beyond me.
With my drink in hand, I strolled out of the house to the poolside. It was quieter out here; the only thing biting at me was the cold air. Thank God I still had my jacket on. I had almost left it on the coat rack in the hallway earlier.
I took a sip of the non-alcoholic drink in my hand and stared at the pool, ringed with soft blue and white lights that rippled gently across the water. The contrast between the chaos inside and the stillness out here was a relief I hadn’t realised I needed.
I didn’t know how long I stood there doing absolutely nothing until a familiar voice cut through the quiet.
“There you are.”
I turned to find Atlas making her way towards me. Her curls were slightly flattened from the party, and her burgundy sweater glowed warmly against her pale skin even in the dim light.
“Why aren’t you inside?” she asked, dropping into the chair beside me. “This is supposed to be a party, not a meditation retreat.”
I huffed out a small laugh. “I just needed a little quiet. Your guests are very… enthusiastic.”
“Mine and Carmen’s friends from work,” she explained with a grin. “They don’t know the meaning of indoor voices.” She studied my face with the kind of scrutiny that only came from twenty-one years of friendship. “How are you doing, Mar? Be for real with me, how are you finding Canada, Vancouver..Mapleridge in general?”
I took another sip of my drink, buying myself a second to think.
“It’s okay, the university is good and the city is nice enough. But most days I miss Deutschland?*. I miss the familiarity of it all, you know? Knowing how things work without having to figure everything out again.”
She nodded slowly.
We had grown up together in Berlin, practically inseparable since we were seven years old. She had been the first person I told when I realised I liked girls, the first person I called when I didn’t know how to come out to my parents, the first person who helped me piece together who I was supposed to be. When she moved to Canada three years ago on a work visa, it felt as devastating as losing a limb.
“I know moving here was the right choice for you,” she said softly. “But I also know it wasn’t easy.”
“Nothing worthwhile ever is,” I replied automatically.
She smiled. “That’s my line.” Her expression grew more serious. “Speaking of worthwhile things… Why aren’t you here with a date tonight? Since it was a total disaster with the one I set you up with, I figured you would’ve found someone else by now.”
I shrugged. “I haven’t met anyone better.”
Atlas raised an eyebrow. “Or maybe you’ve built walls so high no one can get in.”
That landed closer to the truth than I’d like. “Maybe”
“Mar, you know I love you, but I’m going to have to say this,” she said gently. “The truth is, you hate being vulnerable. You analyse everything to death and treat relationships like experiments instead of just… feeling them.”
I stared into my drink, watching the ice cubes clink softly in my glass.
