“They definitely don’t.” He sighs. “Sometimes . . . I wish it was just the two of us, you know?”
My heart rate ramps up, becoming so loud in my ears that I can barely hear him speak. Those words do something to me, something they shouldn’t. I’m melting into the folding camping chair despite my best efforts.
“If things continue like this . . .” He finally turns his head to look at me, a sad and concerned expression on his pretty face. The soft wind blows his ginger hair into his face, covering his eyes for a moment. “I don’t know what we’ll do, Damien. It’s starting to get out of control.”
“You mean because of my dad?”
“Yeah, I don’t like the people he’s bringing into our home.”
He’s right. There seem to be more and more junkies hanging out around us, and it’s not funny. Sure, there are a couple of guys I find hot, and they certainly seem to like me. But most of them are already adults, and even I know better than to get involved. Although, sometimes my dick betrays me and makes me do stupid shit. I’ve been in plenty of dangerous situations already, many of them still unknown to Killien. He’d kill me if he knew.
“Would you—?” He cuts off his own words, seeming to hesitate as he takes a long drag of the cigarette.
“Would I what?” I ask, curiosity getting the best of me.
My brother looks at me with the most serious expression I’ve seen on him, his brown eyes fixed on mine, as if he can see into my soul. “If I decided to run away, would you join me?”
I snort. “Run away?”
He’s not laughing when he nods. This isn’t a joke; he’s freaking serious.
I never thought about it, not even in my wildest fantasies. But it makes sense, doesn’t it? Why should we stay? Our parents don’t give a shit about us, and there’s nothing else keeping us here. Well—maybe his girlfriend?
“You want to run away . . . with me?” There’s no fighting the silly smile that stretches across my lips.
“Who else would I run away with?”
“I dunno, Sophie?”
He seems to flinch at my words, shaking his head and laughing harder. “No—I’d never go without you.”
There’s an explosion of warmth and tickles inside me that shakes me to my core. I know he doesn’t mean it like I want him to, but it still rattles my entire existence.
“In that case, I’ll go wherever you wanna go,” I say. “It’s us against the world, right?”
Killien smiles back at me, brighter than he has in a long time, and I’m rendered completely useless. This silly crush of mine is starting to scare me. It feels like so much more than just that. Do I even know what love is? Am I too young to understand? Because . . . this must be it.
“We’ll see, then,” he says, leaning closer to ruffle my hair. And I let him do it this time. I couldn’t possibly refuse his touch.
I’m frozen, smiling helplessly while I stare at him reach out for the sandwiches his mom made. He offers me one, and I take it. We stay in silence for a while, mostly because I can’t bring myself to talk about anything. Funny, because I never shut up. Killien doesn’t seem to mind though. He’s probably enjoying the birds chirping and the crackling of the fire more than he would my pointless ramblings.
I’m floating on a cloud for the rest of the night, my heart skipping beats when Killien laughs or touches me. The silly warmth and the butterflies in my stomach only intensify when we lie in our sleeping bags inside the tent. I feel so ridiculously comfortable next to him, and at the same time, I’m constantly shifting around, fighting the way my body reacts.
The constant whisper of the creek makes me want to fall asleep. But I have to stay awake until midnight. I want to be the first one to greet him, even if I have to wake him up for it. His eyes are closed, his face resting on my shoulder, although I’m not sure he’s asleep.
I bite the inside of my cheek, resisting the urge to kiss his slightly parted lips. No one has ever felt as irresistible, no other boy makes me feel this way. I’ve tried, I really have. I’ve slept with some pretty hot guys, but nothing works. Nothing feels better than his warmth, the softness of his skin, or the comfort of his smell.
My mind just cycles back to him. I’m always stuck imagining those brown eyes staring back at me. And I’m terribly addicted to it at this point, after so many years. Eric was particularly good at reminding me of Killien, the color of his eyes was too similar, and the tone of his voice too. But I promised I’d stop seeing him, and I have. Fortunately, my mind has no problem transforming any other guy into Killien when things get heated up.
I look at my phone, trying to move as little as possible. There are a few messages from Ed, who’s still chasing after me like a lost puppy. I’ve been making him beg for my attention more than necessary, but he deserves it for outing me like he did.
I enjoy putting him through hell, somehow. Maybe as much as I enjoy convincing other guys that I’m only seeing them. It’s like something bad has woken up within me, something that wants to watch the world burn. Have I always been like this?Or have I fallen too deeply into the tough character I tried to fit into? Maybe both.
Although, deep down, I’m still the same troubled, weak boy.
My phone indicates that it’s officially May 27th, so I block it and turn to my side, facing my brother. The sleeping bag makes a lot of noise as it moves against the fabric of the tent, almost muffling the loud chorus of crickets outside. Killien doesn’t move, though, not even as I let his head fall gently on the pillow. He must be sleeping, then. The temptation to kiss him, even if it’s just a soft peck on his lips, has me sweating.
But I don’t. I can’t ruin this.
