When I stepped into the laundry room, I stilled when I heard my mom’s voice. I wasn’t sure where it was coming from at first, but then I noticed the open window. The closer I got to it I realized she was crying. I glanced out the window and saw that Lola and Naomi were seated on the wicker rocking chairs by the fire pit directly below laundry room.
“I just hate myself sometimes. Skye is an amazing mom and I was…not. I wanted to be a good mom, but I just didn’t know how. After her dad died, I just…I don’t know what happened. I was so young and I just knew I didn’t want to beanythinglike my parents.” Lola sniffed as she wiped her face with a tissue. “But I didn’t know how to be a mom. I can’t change the past, no matter how much I want to. And now, now it’s too late.”
I stood in stunned silence. I’d never heard Lola say that she thought I was a good mom or that she thought she wasn’t. We never talked about stuff like that. I wasn’t sure how to feel about finding it out by overhearing it. Why wouldn’t she talk to me about this? Why was she crying? Why did she think it was too late?
“I know it feels like that.” Naomi’s tone was soothing as she consoled her. “But it’s not too late. You can still be her mom. You have time.”
“Oh, fuck. I’m so sorry,” Lola quickly apologized. “I didn’t mean to say—”
“I know you didn’t,” Naomi cut her off.
“I can’t believe I said that. I’mreallysorry,” Lola apologized again. “I wasn’t thinking. That was a stupid thing to say.”
“Hey, at least you’re not Raquel.”
Both women started laughing at the reference, which I didn’t get. Hearing them talk, watching them over the past few weeks really reminded me of my relationship with Ri. I was glad that Lola had that sort of friendship, but sad that she’d only just found it. The hard truth was, Naomi didn’t have time.
Tears sprang to my eyes. In hospice care, losing a patient was always impactful. Some more than others. But Naomi wasn’t just a patient anymore. This was personal, not just for me but also for Lola and Callie as well.
As I stood in the laundry looking at the clothes in the basket, I suddenly felt very overwhelmed with all the things that were out of my control. I had no idea how much time Naomi had left, or what the effect of her passing would have on Lola, Callie, Nick and Bella. I had no idea when I was going to be able to move back into my house. I had no idea how I was going to protect everyone from the pain and grief of the loss. I had no idea what was going on with Lola that had ignited this conversation or what I should do about hearing it.
And it wasn’t just the present stressors that were weighing on me. It was as if everything I’d been responsible for all my life suddenly caught up with me. From being a kid and making sure the lights stayed on, to being a teen mom, to being a mom of a teen. The weight of it all pressed down on me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
In that moment, all I wanted was for Nick to be home. I wanted him to wrap me in his arms and make me feel safe, make me feel like I wasn’t alone.
When my phone buzzed, I pulled it out of my pocket figuring it was Ri calling me back because her breakup sex hadn’t gone to plan. Instead, it was Nick responding to my text.
Nick:Won’t be home for dinner. Have a late meeting and drinks.
Disappointment swamped me and I knew there was only one thing to do. Drown my sorrows in a long hot bath. And maybe a glass, or bottle, of wine. If the soaking didn’t help, then hopefully the alcohol would.
