“No. I don’t. She made her choices.”
“She was young.”
“I’m not talking about killing my father. I don’t give a shit about that. Maybe I should, but I don’t. I’m talking about her not answering any of my questions when I went to see her. I’m talking about her refusing to see me every month when I went back for a year.” I’d thought that I’d gotten over that, but as I heard myself speak, I could tell that clearly wasn’t the case.
“Have you asked her why she did that?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t care. It’s not going to change the past. Like I said, she made her choices. And in her condition, I don’t want to upset her.”
“Okay, we’ll get back to that. How is Bella adjusting?”
Better than me.“She’s doing great. She draws her pictures and paints her nails. She loves spending time with Naomi.”
“And she knows that she’s ill? Terminally ill?”
“Yes, she knows that Naomi is sick and that her time with us is going to be short. She says she just wants to make all the days we have with her happy.” It had broken my heart to hear my daughter say something so wise. She’d told me when I was tucking her in last week. She asked if I knew how many more sleeps Naomi had, and I told her that I wasn’t sure. She nodded and told me that since we didn’t know how many more sleeps she had, she was going to make sure all her days were happy.
“Children are a lot wiser and more resilient than I think we give them credit for. It’s often adults who have a much harder time with death. They try to protect themselves from it; they try to distance themselves from the inevitable grief by distancing themselves from their loved one. Unfortunately, that’s not how grief works. That behavior may seem like an act of self-protection, but really, it is self-destruction. It leads to regret for time lost and things left unsaid once a loved one has passed and it’s too late.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so I didn’t. Part of me wanted to argue with him that that might be the case with other people, but my situation was different. Even in my head, that sounded defensive, so I just kept my mouth shut. Silence hung in the air between us.
“So, work is good. Home is as good as can be expected. What else is going on? Are you seeing anyone?”
“No.” It felt strange to lie or tell a half-truth to Dr. Lavine. I’d never done that before. But for some reason, I didn’t want to tell him about Skye. Which probably meant I should. When Dr. Lavine didn’t have a follow-up question and didn’t change the subject, I knew that he was giving me time to tell him what was going on. “Actually, one of the hospice nurses and I… we’re not dating, but we’ve spent time together.”
“Romantically?”
“Yes.”
“Are you serious about her?”
“I don’t… She’s not interested in dating anyone. She’s a mom, and she made the decision not to date anyone until her daughter is raised.” When we were lying in bed last night, I’d broached the topic of why she was single, and it had been years since she’d been with anyone. She explained her reasons, and I respected her even more for them.
“But you two have been romantic.”
“Yes.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“About what?”
“About the fact that she isn’t interested in a relationship?”
“I’m happy.”
“You are?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
I’d figured he’d drop it and think that I was happy, because then I wouldn’t feel pressure to get into a relationship, but that hadn’t happened.
“Honestly?”
