SKYE
It wasstrange to feel both entirely numb and consumed by depression at the same time. I would have thought those two emotions would be mutually exclusive. But come to find out they weren’t. That was exactly how I felt.
Yesterday, I’d forced myself to put on a happy face through dinner with Ri and my mom. But as soon as I got home, I crawled back into bed. That’s when I saw I had left my phone home charging and I’d missed a call from Nick and had a voicemail. I played it thinking that it would just be him checking in and seeing if I was free to hang out, like the other three he’d left me.
I was wrong.
I curled my legs beneath me on the couch and pressed play on the message for the hundredth time.
“Hey Skye, I just stopped by your place, and you weren’t home. I wanted to do this in person, but I don’t know when I’m going to see you so I am going to do it now because I can’t wait any longer. I love you. I’ve loved you from the first second I saw you. I know you think that my feelings aren’t real, but they are. Nothing in my life has ever been more real. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I didn’t even know this kind of love actually existed.
“I love you. I think about you all the time. I wake up thinking about you, and I go to sleep thinking about you. Even when you lived here, I missed you when you were in another room. I love you. You said you think that’s going to change when my life goes back to normal. But that’s not going to happen, because it can’t. You ruined normal for me. I love you. The first time I saw you, when I walked into my kitchen, I felt something I had never felt before. I felt peace. I felt calm. I felt like I was home. You are my home, my peace, my calm. Oh, did I mention I love you? And this is Nick, by the way. Call me back. I love you.”
I checked the time. It was 3:50 in the afternoon as I poured my third glass of wine. Nick’s podcast came on in ten minutes, and I wasnotgoing to listen to it. Doing that wouldn’t serve me. I needed to move on with my life. I had four more days left of my vacation, and my plan was to wallow, and then it was back to business as usual. Somehow, someway, I needed to figure out how to do that.
A knock sounded at my door, and without running it by my head, my heartbeat tripled, thinking it was Nick. Ever since I heard his voicemail last night, I kept thinking he was going to show up. Part of me was terrified because I knew if he did show up, I’d launch myself into his arms and tell him I loved him and didn’t care about anything else. But a bigger part of me was scared that he wouldn’t show up and I wouldn’t be able to launch myself into his arms and tell him that I loved him and didn’t care about anything else.
When I opened the door, I found Ri standing in front of me, and my heart sank in disappointment. Her eyes automatically shot to the large glass of vino I was holding in my hand. “I would ask how you are, but I think that says it all.”
I sighed, walked back to the couch, and plopped down. Ri shut the door behind her, then rounded the couch and stood in front of me. “What the fuck is going on with you?”
“Nothing; I’m just decompressing.” I took another large sip of wine.
Ri picked up the empty bottle of cab. “I can see that.”
“I’m not going to be wine-shamed byyou.” I hadn’t meant to emphasize the word you, but it definitely came out that way.
She set the bottle back on the coffee table and sat down on the couch beside me. “I’m not wine-shaming you; I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine. I went to dinner last night.”
“Yeah, and you hated every second of it. You were miserable.”
“If you knew I was miserable, why did you make me go?”
She glanced over her shoulder and looked back at me. “Is Lola home?
“No, she went to the beach. She asked me to go, but I didn’t want to.”
“Okay, well, I made you go because it was Lola’s idea, and I was trying to support her new maternal vibe. And since I’ve never seen you like this, I thought it might help. You know, throw spaghetti at the wall sort of thing. But it didn’t work, so now I’m here and you’re going to talk about this.”
I didn’t like this at all. I wasn’t the person people had to worry about. I was the one who worried and took care of everyone. This didn’t feel right. The universe was out of balance.
“I’m allowed to be sad sometimes. I don’t need an intervention.”
“This isn’t an intervention; it’s just your best friend coming over to remove your head from your ass.”
“Excuse me?”
“What’s going on? Why haven’t you gotten out of bed? I know you’re sad about Naomi, but this isn’t that. It’s about Nick, right? Kurt says Nick has been depressed too, and he doesn’t think it’s just about his mom.”
“You talked to Kurt about me and Nick?”
“No. I didn’t tell him anything. He just mentioned that Nick hasn’t been himself. He’s lost some weight, and Kurt didn’t think he was sleeping well because of the dark circles he’s been rocking. He’s miserable. You’re miserable. I was trying to give you space because I know you like to work things out in your head, but this has gone on too long.”
“You’restillseeing Kurt?” I had toilet paper rolls that lasted longer than Ri’s relationships.
“Yeah,” she stated matter-of-factly. “I’m going to marry him.”
