I could explain the reason to her, but I didn’t see the point. She’d never understand why I couldn’t trust that his feelings for me were real and not trauma based. It was something that would always be in the back of my mind. I would always feel like I’d taken advantage of him.
“It’s…complicated.”
“This isn’t your Facebook status, Skye.”
I didn’t respond to her not-so-creative comeback.
“Do you want to know what I think?” she asked.
Even though I was pretty sure it was a rhetorical question, I responded. “I have a feeling you’re going to tell me whether I want to or not.”
She grinned. “You’re right, I am. Because I am your mother. I know I haven’t earned that place in your life. But that doesn’t make it any less true. I don’t know what the reason is that you’re telling yourself, but I do know the real reason.”
“You do?” I highly doubted that. As much as I appreciated her trying to take a more active role as a parent in my life, her newfound maternal-ness did not mean she had a window into my soul. I wasn’t convinced she actually knew my motivation.
Lola nodded. “You’re scared.”
“I’m scared?” I straightened my shoulders. “Scared of what?”
“Of being hurt. Of being abandoned. Of relying on someone and then them letting you down. Of not being loved the way that you love.”
Her words hit me like a punch in the gut. My head shook back and forth in silent disagreement, but deep down, I felt like she might be on to something. Even though there was no way I’d admit to her how close she’d landed to the bullseye.
She looked down at her lap and then back up again. When she did, I noticed that there was emotion glistening in her eyes. “I would do anything to go back in time and be the mother that you deserved. I wish that I could do it all over again. You were such a sweet, trusting, open girl, and then you built this wall around you. I know it was for your own protection. I know you had to do that to survive.
“And it has protected you. You have survived. But I think maybe now it’s time to let that wall down. To let someone who is worthy in. And, Sweet Pea, Nick is worthy. He’s a good guy, an amazing guy, and he loves you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. You might not be able to see it, but believe me, everyone else does.”
“Everyone?” I asked.
“Yes, everyone sees how he can’t take his eyes off of you. They see how he looks at you like you’re the only person in the world.”
It felt like that to me, but I didn’t think anyone else saw it.
“Who is everyone?”
“Parker, Gary, Carmen, Jada, Callie—”
“Callie. Callie thinks there’s something going on between us?!” Why hadn’t she said anything to me?
Lola sighed as if the alarm that I’d expressed at my daughter knowing about me and Nick was unwarranted. “Callie’s not stupid or blind. She knows that Nick is in love with you. She jokes that he follows you around like a puppy, but you seem oblivious. She didn’t want to say anything toyouabout it because you get so defensive whenever she mentions anything about you dating. She thought if she tried to talk to you about it, you’d just get more stubborn and double down.”
She was probably right. I probably would have.
Lola covered my hand with hers. “You can let him in. He’s not going to hurt you. And even if he does, we’ll all be here to pick up the pieces.” She patted my leg before standing up. “Now eat and get in the shower. Ri is going to be here in thirty minutes, and we’re going to dinner.” With those marching orders, she walked out of the room.
I stared at the door that she’d just closed. I wished that she was right. I wished that the only thing holding me back from Nick was that I was scared. Maybe that was part of it, but not all of it. I knew that if I tried to tell her what the real reason was, she’d only dismiss it. I lived my life in black and white, and she lived in gray areas. She wouldn’t feel that I’d done anything wrong by crossing the line with him.
But I knew that I had. And I knew that there was no way to build the foundation of a relationship on that. Even if I wanted to more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life.
