SKYE
My arms wereheavy as I brushed my teeth. I could barely keep my eyes open as I stood at the sink in my bathroom. The past week had been emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting. Naomi was growing weaker and slipping away slowly. Each day, I’d been sure it would be her last, but she was hanging on.
I hadn’t been home in five days. Since Jada had called, I hadn’t left Naomi’s side. Kurt had been shuttling Callie and Lola back and forth all week; they’d been bringing me changes of clothes. This morning, when Gary showed up for his day shift, he’d insisted that I go home, take a shower, and get some sleep. I’d only agreed because Kurt said he would bring me back when he picked up Lola and Callie this afternoon.
In all my years in hospice, I’d gotten close to patients and their families, and sometimes the emotional line between professional and personal had blurred. But this was more than that. The line wasn’t just blurred in this case; I’d jumped over the sucker into an uncharted and dangerous territory. This was as personal as it got. And the worst part was that I’d brought my daughter and mom along for the ride.
Guilt was something I tried my best not to live with. It was part of the reason that I had made the choices in my life that some people might classify as selfless but, in reality, were very selfish. I hated feeling like this. I hated feeling like I’d done something wrong or hurt anyone. I didn’t like feeling that way about a stranger; knowing that I’d done that to the most important people in the world was almost too much to bear.
As I walked out of my bathroom, I considered shutting the blackout curtains but decided that would be too much work. Instead, I crawled into bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. Cocooned in the warmth of my comforter, I was just drifting to sleep when I heard a light knock on the door.
Forcing my heavy lids open, I weakly called out, “Yeah.”
The door opened, and Callie walked inside. She was still in her sweats that she’d worn as pajamas. I’d checked on her when I got home a half-hour ago, but she’d still been asleep.
“How is Naomi?” she asked as she wiped her bleary eyes.
Another wave of guilt washed over me. These suckers just kept on coming. This was Callie’s summer break, and instead of waking up without a care in the world, the first thing she thought about was one of my terminal patients.
“The same,” I answered.
Callie nodded, and I thought she’d walk out and close the door. I was just closing my eyes when the bed dipped, and I realized she was sitting beside me. I sat back up. It was clear she had something on her mind. I looked at her, waiting, and she threw her arms around my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight. “Are you okay?”
It was a stupid question to ask. She clearly wasn’t, but I didn’t know what else to say.
I felt her chin nod against my shoulder. When she leaned back, she had tears in her eyes as she said, “I’m sorry, Mom.”
I had no idea what she was talking about, but I’d been out of the loop this past week. Had she snuck out, drank, or committed some other teenage sin that she felt the need to repent for?
“Sorry for what?”
“For not ever understanding or even really caring about what your job is or what it means to do what you do. I mean, I knew that you took care of people who were dying, but I guess I never really thought about them as people. I mean, I knew that they were people, but—”
“I know what you mean.” I cut her off.
She shook her head and sniffed. “I’m sorry, I never thought about what your job really was. I don’t know how you do it. How do you get close to people who you know are going to die?” Her bottom lip began to tremble, and large tears spilled down her cheeks.
“I do it because it’s my job to care for them, and honestly, I consider it an honor to be that person. But that being said, I don’t always getthisclose to my patients. Naomi is different.”
“I know,” she said, nodding. “But still, I guess I just never thought about what doing what you do would be like for you. You are so amazing, Mom. I’m so lucky to have you!”
Her arms once again flew around my neck, and she cried into my shoulder, and my heart broke. This was my fault. Callie was upset—devastated even—because of me. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”
She pulled back and wiped her face. “Why areyousorry?”
“Because I should’ve never agreed to move in with Nick. If I’d just figured ou—"
“What? No!” She shook her head. “Are you serious?! I’m so happy that we moved in and that I met Bella and Naomi. I love them, mom. And seeing what she is going through, seeing what you do, I’m just so…I don’tknow, I feel like I have this whole new perspective and appreciation for life and what’s really important.” She took a shaky breath. “Like, Jenny was freaking out last night because Max hadn’t texted her back, but she saw that he posted a story so obviously he was on his phone.”
“Who’s Max?” I asked.
“The boy she’s in a situationship with.”
I nodded.
“Anyway, she was freaking out, and, I didn’t say anything, but I just kept thinking… Who cares? Who cares if he didn’t text you back? There are millions of guys out there. Maybe don’t be with someone who is a dick, and you won’t be upset. Life is too short. Why waste your time on a guy who doesn’t even care enough about you to text you back?”
“Wow.” I blinked at my daughter, amazed and grateful for the lesson she’d learned. Maybe I didn’t deserve to be inducted into the World’s Worst Mother Hall of Fame after all. “I wish I had known that at your age.”
