“Sure.” I nodded and headed back to the kitchen.
I started to fill the kettle up with water, but Lola stopped me. “Sit, I’ll make it.”
Her offer took me by surprise. Maybe the past seven weeks of caring for Naomi had unlocked a maternal mode in her that hadn’t been there before. I wasn’t going to argue with that. I set the kettle down and lowered myself into a chair at the kitchen table.
Lola fixed both of our teas before sitting across from me. She stirred her tea, then looked up at me with a nervous grin. I could tell that she wanted to say something, but I didn’t push her. It was my experience that people talked when they wanted to.
She took a sip of her tea and set it back down. Her finger traced the rim as she said, “I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have my Netflix partner.”
“I’ll watch shows with you. If you want.”
“Really?” Her brows lifted in surprise.
“Yeah.” I nodded.
This time, her smile wasn’t nervous at all. It was wide and happy. “Okay.”
Her reaction had me wondering if I hadn’t spent enough time with her. Thinking back, ninety-nine percent of the time I did spend with her was with Callie as well. When Callie was at a friend’s, we usually did our own thing. I would catch up on self-care or hang out with Ri, and Lola would usually be out.
“I thought you would want to go out. I figured the only reason you hadn’t been was because we were living with Nick.”
Her left shoulder lifted in a shrug. “At first it was, but then I don’t know. I talked to Naomi and realized some things.”
I wondered if she was referencing the conversation, I’d overheard in the laundry room. “Really, what things?”
A sigh fell from her lips as she stared down at her mug before taking a breath. She shifted in her chair and pulled out her phone. “Um, I wrote some things down so I wouldn’t forget.
My mother had never asked me to have tea or a talk with her. I started to get a little anxious about what she was going to say. Maybe it wasn’t about the conversation at all. Maybe she’d decided to go backpacking in the Himalayas. Or she was joining a cult. Which she’d almost done once.
Her thumb scrolled on the screen before she took a deep breath, set the phone down in front of her, and looked up at me. The vulnerability in her eyes was heartbreaking. “First, I want to say I’m sorry. I know that I have never been a good mom to you—”
“You don’t have to—” I interjected in relief that she wasn’t leaving the country or joining a cult.
“No, Idoneed to say this. Please, can you just let me talk, and then you can say whatever you want?” she asked.
I nodded.
She took a deep breath, then exhaled loudly. “I’m your mom, and I’ve never acted like it. I can make excuses for my behavior because of my childhood, having you so young, and your dad dying. The truth is, none of that actually matters. I was yourmom,and I should have put you first, but I didn’t. I don’t know why, honestly. I guess I was just really selfish, and you’ve always been so good at taking care of yourself. Not that that’s an excuse for my neglect; it’s not.”
She teared up, and I reached out and covered her hand with mine. “Lola, it’s okay.”
She pulled her hand away. “No, it’s not, and I’m not done.”
“Sorry.” I hadn’t meant to interrupt her again. I just wanted to comfort her.
She took another breath, this one slower and more deliberate. “You never should have had to take on so much responsibility at such a young age. It’s not okay that I never tucked you in or read you bedtime stories. It’s not okay that you knew how to use the stove and the washer and dryer by the age of four. It’s not okay that you had to remind me to pay the light bill or go to your parent-teacher conferences. It’s not okay that Ri’s parents took you on vacations and back-to-school shopping. It’s not okay that I constantly had different men in our lives. And it’s not okay that I told you to call me Lola and not mom.
“Growing up, my dad was very strict. I wasn’t allowed to speak unless I was spoken to first. If he thought I had an attitude or took a tone with him, I was punished. If my chores weren’t done to his standards, I was punished. If he heard me chewing or breathing too loud, I would be punished. Sometimes I would get hit. Other times, I wouldn’t be allowed to eat. Sometimes all of my belongings were taken away, including my pillow and blankets, toothbrush, and toilet paper, and I had to earn them all back.
“My mother never said anything. She never stuck up for me. I learned from her to just try to be as quiet and small as possible. And then I met your dad. He was…so different.” A wide smile spread on her face as tears slid down her eyes. “He was loving and funny and never raised his voice at me. When I found out I was pregnant at sixteen, he enlisted and somehow convinced my mother to sign the papers so I could marry him.
“We moved onto the base, and I had you. For two years, we were happy. I never knew that life could be so easy. Money was tight, but he always took care of us. Then he was deployed and he never came home. He was gone. After that, I just… I think I just sort of wanted to numb myself and distract myself. I thought the next guy I met would make us a family, but he didn’t. Then I thought maybe the next guy would, but you know, they never did. I thought that if I didn’t give you any rules, then that would make me a good mom. But I forgot that I actually had tobea mom. It’s not an excuse for my behavior. I just wanted you to know why.”
I sat staring at my mother as tears streamed down her face. For years, I’d wanted her to acknowledge the things she’d done. I’d dreamed of the day she’d take accountability for her actions, or lack of actions. I thought that I would feel so vindicated and self-righteous, but instead I just felt heartbroken and sad. Lola was a deeply broken person, but I knew that she loved me in her way. I’d always known that.
“Seeing the mother that you are to Callie has been the greatest gift of my life. You didn’t use your childhood as an excuse. You are thebest momanyone could ever have, and Callie is so lucky to have you. I am so proud of you, Sweet Pea.”
Sweet Pea. I’d heard her call me that in the home video when I was one, but I never remembered her using the nickname. I felt my own tears swelling in the bottom of my lids as I stood and pulled her into a hug.
