It felt so good that all the important people in my life now knew my deepest, darkest secret. I still couldn’t believe that Nonna had had a baby before my dad. I wondered, if he had known about it if he would have done anything different. I doubted it. I’d never really been a person to him, more just a reflection of him.
Looking down, I read the text.
Leo:How are you? I’m here if you need to talk. I still can’t believe you kept that to yourself for so long. You know you can tell me ANYTHING and I will always love you.
My lips curled in a smile. It was so amazing to have people in my life that truly loved me unconditionally. I don’t know what I would do without Leo and Nonna. And I feared, Maddox had also slid into that category.
Now that I’d told him about the baby, the main reason that I’d kept my distance was gone. Of course, that didn’t change the fact that I wasn’t able to have more children. He’d always wanted a big family. Also, even if he had forgiven me for what I’d done, the fact that I’d kept it from him for so many years might be a deal breaker.
I was honestly more confused than ever.
What if it was too late?
What if he didn’t love me the same?
What if he could forgive me, but he’d never trust me again?
Trust was such a big deal to Maddox. I didn’t have a degree in psychology, but I was sure it had something to do with his unconventional and challenging upbringing.
For the first few months we dated, he always looked relieved when I showed up when I said I was going to. Or if I called when I said I would. Alex, who was like a brother to Maddox, told me that he was used to people disappointing him and that he didn’t trust people easily.
I remember the first time he told me that he loved me. We were walking around Pier 39, pretending to be tourists, and I found a wallet with a thousand dollars in it. I immediately brought it to the lost and found and after I turned it in, Maddox asked me why I didn’t keep the money. I told him because it wasn’t mine. And then, he said he loved me for the first time. I laughed because I’d thought he was kidding, but he cupped my face and said it again before kissing me and I knew he was serious. I, of course, immediately told him that I loved him too. I think I’d been half in love with him from the moment I looked up from the lunch table and into the depths of his big brown eyes.
His trust issues were a big reason I’d carried around so much guilt for leaving him and not telling him I was going. I’d tried to convince myself that I was young, too, with my own abandonment and attachment issues, but I don’t think I’ve ever really forgiven myself for doing that to him.
The door opened once more and I expected to see Bianca, but it wasn’t. It took me a second for my brain to catch up to what my eyes were seeing. The man walking into the room in his tailored suit, haircut that I was sure cost several hundred dollars, and Italian leather shoes, was so out of place in my classroom.
“Trent?” I stood. “What are you doing here?”
“I had a layover on the way to Seattle. I thought I’d come see my girl.”
I’d never liked it when he referred to me as his girl. Maddox used to call me his angel and it never bothered me, in fact, I loved it. Somehow Maddox’s term of endearment didn’t make me feel like an object that belonged to him, which was how I felt with Trent’s.
He walked over and pressed a kiss to my mouth. I didn’t feel anything, no spark. No desire. No fire. Nothing.
I knew that what I had with Maddox was special, and that after ten years with Trent I couldn’t expect fireworks, but I wasn’t even sure I was attracted to Trent anymore.
“Are you surprised?” he asked.
“Um, yeah. I am.”
“I have another layover on Friday night, and I was thinking we could go to dinner.”
I started to say okay, out of habit mainly, but then I remembered that I’d just agreed to go to drinks with Bianca. “Actually, I have plans Friday.”
He stared at me like I’d grown two heads. I realized that he wasn’t used to me saying no to him. Historically, I’d always agreed to see him whenever he was available since his schedule was so much more demanding than mine, but half the time I’d cancel my plans only to have him cancel on me.
His icy blue stare got a little chillier. “I haven’tseenyou since you’ve moved.”
“We’ve gone months without seeing each other before.” And that was when we lived in the same zip code.
“Yes, but that’s before we were bicoastal.”
Which meant before, when I lived in Brooklyn, I was available at the drop of a hat for his convenience and now, that I lived in San Francisco, I wasn’t.
He rubbed his hands up and down my arms and I instinctually stepped away from his touch. It didn’t feel right to allow him to touch me after I’d been with Maddox. In fact, now that I thought about it, I hadn’t had sex with Trent since before the reunion.
And I knew, in that moment, I didn’t want to be with him ever again.
