“Did you know she was back in the city? Did you know that she was Hannah’s new teacher?”
“Yes, I knew she was back in the city. No, I didn’t know she was Hannah’s new teacher. Look I gotta go. I’m at the interns’ lunch.”
“Okay. Well, you know I’m here if you want to talk and you also know I’m going to havea lotmore questions.”
“I know.” I grinned. “Thanks. And let me know if you need me to pick Peanut up.”
“I could be on mydeath bedand would still go to pick her up.” She chuckled. “I can’t believe I’m finally going to meet the infamous Totga.”
“Maddox,” Samara stuck her head in the door and her expression told me that something needed my attention immediately.
“Be nice,” I instructed Lizzy.
“I’m always nice.”
Lizzy was one of the nicest people I knew, but she was also one of the most protective. If she felt that Peyton had wronged me, she would not keep her feelings to herself.
I disconnected the call and walked over to Samara who explained an issue one of our clients was having with an internal data breach, I did my best to listen, but my mind kept wandering back to Peyton.
She was living in San Francisco. She was Hannah’s new teacher. She was closer than she’d ever been, but somehow there was more distance between us than ever.
After putting out the fire Samara had brought to me, I returned to the lunch, but my mind was stuck on the conversation Peyton and I’d had at dinner. Just like a program that wasn’t running right I knew something was wrong, I just couldn’t see it.
Lina was right. I needed to go talk to her. Clear the air.
I pulled out my phone and texted Samara.
Me:Clear my afternoon schedule
24
PEYTON
“Okay,that’s the bell. Everyone gather your things.”
I heard my voice go up an octave. It tended to do that when I was nervous. And right now, I was freaking out.
My heart was beating triple time as the students all put on their jackets and backpacks. I had no idea what I was going to face when I took the class out for pickup. Would Maddox be there? If he was, would he try and talk to me?
I just needed to get through the next few hours and then I could go home and drink all the wine I want. I’d call Leo and he would talk me down off the emotional ledge I was dangling on. All day, I’d been considering what my options were.
I could quit, but what would that solve?
I could ask for Hannah to be moved to another class, but what reason would I give?
I’d already spilled the tea to Bianca which meant, if this school was like every other school I’d taught at, half the faculty and maybe some of the administration knew by now.
I took a deep breath as I held the door open for the class then walked them to the front of the school. The hallways were filled with the sound of sneakers and boots shuffling along the tiled floors, kids laughing and talking, and a few teachers calling out commands such as stop running, and no roughhousing.
But all of that noise faded away and was replaced with a buzzing sound that I hadn’t experienced in twenty years. The time I’d lived in Germany was the hardest of my life and once I turned eighteen and moved back to the States to go to college, I started experiencing panic attacks.
My freshman year had been a nightmare. I’d be in class, or studying at the library, or working at the campus coffee shop and my mouth would start to water. The walls felt like they were closing in on me. I’d hear the buzzing noise. I’d get dizzy, nauseous. A few times I’d even passed out.
On the recommendation of an ER doctor that treated me after one of the fainting spells, I started seeing a counselor who referred me to a psychotherapist. She put me on a low dose of anti-anxiety medication and suggested weekly sessions with her. It took time, and work, but by the end of junior year, I was much better. I’d gone through the rest of my adult life panic attack free, until now.
I tried to breathe through my nose and out through my mouth as nausea rolled in my stomach. My peripheral vision blurred, but I could see that the walls were closing in on me. Everything around me felt like it was spinning, and I was standing still. I tried to ignore it, to fight against it, to do everything in my power to hold it off, because this absolutely could not happen now, but that just made everything worse.
The more I fought the wave of anxiety that was crashing over me, the faster I drowned in it. I needed to breathe through it, accept that this was what I was feeling, but that it would pass.
