ALEX
As I rodeup the elevator my entire body was thrumming with alertness. I was aware of every sense in my body. There was a whooshing in my head from my breaths, a thudding in my chest from my heartbeats, the air around me was thick with anticipation.
In just a few moments I would be seeing Sadie.
We’d kept in contact all day through text messages. I’d received pictures of her braiding Lexi’s hair. The two of them had made muffins and cookies. The last text I’d gotten was a photo of Lexi wearing an apron helping prepare a spaghetti dinner.
I’d told Sadie that cooking dinner was not in her job description. I would pick something up like I normally did. Her response was that besides the fact that she loved to cook, ordering food when I had such an amazing kitchen would be a crime.
I didn’t want to break it to her that I was very much a criminal then. The only meal I’d ever cooked at home was breakfast. Sure, sometimes I cooked breakfast for dinner, but it was always breakfast food.
When the doors of the elevator slid open, I stepped out and was greeted by Eeyore whose nails clicked on the hardwood floor. He stopped in front of me and panted. His tongue hung out of his mouth and matched the pink feather boa that he was wearing around his neck, no doubt put there by my daughter. I’d worn the same accessory on more than one occasion when she invited me to tea and apparently, I wasn’t wearing the correct attire. I’d even had my nails painted to match.
“Hey, E.” I bent down and scratched the wrinkled face pooch behind his ear. “Been there, buddy. Pink looks good on you.”
I ran my hand over his head, and he nuzzled against my leg before plodding back to the ottoman that sat against the window overlooking the bay. I was impressed when I saw him hop up onto it. I would have guessed that he was too bottom heavy to make it up there, but he’d easily made the jump. I watched as he spun around three times, then plopped down with a sigh.
It was so strange having a dog in my home, mainly because it didn’t feel strange or out of place at all. I wasn’t sure if I’d feel that way about any dog or if Eeyore, specifically, was the difference.
That wasn’t the only difference. ’90s pop music was playing through the speakers and the air smelled of garlic and basil. I was used to coming home to find Mrs. G and Lexi watching one of their shows, doing a puzzle, coloring, or reading a book. I always brought dinner home with me in take-out bags and I felt oddly out of place walking in empty handed.
There was an electricity in the air as I walked down the hallway toward the appetizing aroma. A feeling that I couldn’t quite place overwhelmed me. Just a few short steps from the doorway leading to the kitchen a bolt of awareness struck me with the force of lightning. I stumbled back a step and reached out and touched the wall for support.
For the first time since I’d moved here, I actually felt like I was coming home. Sadie being here with her animals made this place feel like home. That realization knocked the wind right out of me. My chest tightened and I was having a difficult time taking in oxygen. The walls felt like they were closing in on me and there was a loud ringing in my ears. My hands were tingling and sweat broke out on the back of my neck.
This was the second panic attack I’d had in so many weeks. The first was at the hospital when I went to visit Mrs. G.
This will pass. This will pass. This will pass.
I repeated the mantra over and over again until the symptoms began to fade. I told myself that the reason for it coming on was all the changes in my life. I didn’t like change. It had nothing to do with the epiphany that I’d just had.
Still feeling a little dizzy, I forced myself to walk forward. It was something that I’d learned to do when I’d suffered from these episodes right after I lost Ash and AJ. Forward movement was good for me. The act of walking was good for me.
I just needed to let Sadie know I was home and check on Lexi, then I’d go to my room and get my shit together.
Tension was rolling through me like waves as I entered the kitchen. Then, in the blink of an eye, my entire body relaxed when I saw Sadie. She was cutting up peppers as she bopped along to Mariah Carey’s “Fantasy”featuring Ol’ Dirty Bastard.
I stood there for a moment and just took her in. Her long, blonde hair was pulled up in a messy bun on the top of her head. Her face was scrubbed clean, and her skin glowed. She wore a simple white tank top and jeans. She looked blissfully happy and completely in her element. I’d seen her more times than I could count helping customers at the bakery, but I’d never seen her actually baking.
Not that she was baking now. She wasn’t. She was cutting up vegetables. But still, she looked like she was in her element. She looked relaxed and happy. And beautiful. Stunningly beautiful.
I must have made a noise or she sensed she wasn’t alone because she glanced in my direction. When she saw me her eyes widened as her feet came off the ground. “Ahh!”
“Sorry. Again.” This was the second time I’d scared her today.
“Seriously,” she clutched her chest. “I need to put a bell on you.”
Hearing her say the same thing Mrs. G had always said made my chest constrict with emotions I chose to ignore, just like I had ignored the real reason my panic attack had come on.
She smiled. “I wasn’t expecting you so soon.”
“I told you I was going to be home at six.”
“You did.” She nodded and a stray strand of hair that had slipped out of her ponytail fell onto her cheek. My hands itched to reach out and tuck it behind her ear. Which wouldn’t be appropriate. At all. “But I thought that meant six-ish. I’m forever running ten to fifteen minutes late.”
I grinned thinking about her rushing down the stairs to her bakery every morning at 4:10. I’d always wondered if she was running late and now, I had my answer.
She turned to grab something out of the fridge and my eyes automatically shot down to her ass. The denim covering her dangerous curves was faded in all the right places making her full backside a mouthwatering sight.I wondered what those generous curves would feel like in my palms.
