My head knew that, but my heart and nervous system weren’t as clear on the distinction.
After circling for fifteen minutes to find a parking space and making it past the nurse at the information desk we finally arrived on the fourth floor. We’d made it halfway down the hallway toward her room when I saw Mia walking toward us.
I’d texted her when I parked to let her know that we would be up shortly.
“How’s she doing?”
“Good. Tired.” I saw the worry in Mia’s eyes. She looked down at Lexi and asked. “Hey Lexi-bell, I’m starving. Do you want to go with me to find a candy bar?”
It was obvious to me what Mia was doing. Either Mrs. G wasn’t up for company, or at least the company of a nearly five-year-old. Or Mia didn’t think Lexi should see her in the state she was in.
“Yes!” Lexi cheered.
She’d just had a cupcake but apparently her sweet tooth wasn’t satisfied.
Mia took Lexi’s hand and their conversation turned to Mia’s green nail polish as they walked back toward the elevators. I stood in the middle of the hallway for a moment and took a breath. I was nervous, anxious, and felt like the walls were closing in.
After I lost Ashley and AJ, I’d battled with panic attacks for about six months. But after seeing a therapist, I was able to get them under control and hadn’t had one since. Until now.
I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. I didn’t fight the sensations that I was experiencing, I accepted them. I repeated the mantra that I’d found worked the best for me.
This will pass. This will pass. This will pass.
After a few seconds or minutes, I couldn’t be sure, I felt it beginning to subside. I started to feel myself being grounded in my body. My fingertips and lips were tingling, due to my breathing becoming so shallow, but I was back inside myself.
Taking one more deep cleansing breath, I continued down the hallway to room 416.
When I walked in, there was a single overhead light on, but the room was fairly dim. A curtain was pulled halfway so I could only see the bottom of the bed. I took two more steps into the room and saw Mrs. G lying with her eyes closed. She had an IV in one hand and a tube of oxygen across her face. Seeing her like that was a physical blow to my body. It felt like being sucker punched, seeing her looking so tiny and frail. Guilt, and fear overwhelmed me.
I’d done this to her and I didn’t know how I was going to make it up to her, but I would.
“Stop it,” she commanded in a tone I hadn’t heard since I was ten years old, her eyes still closed.
“What?” I wasn’t sure if she was talking in her sleep or if she was really trying to say something. Maybe she was on pain medication and in a drug haze.
She opened her eyes and pinned me with her stare. She was most definitely awake and clearly had her full faculties about her.
“Stop blaming yourself. Thiswasn’tyour fault.”
I would do anything for Mrs. G, but I wasn’t sure I could do that.
