“No,” I said, standing immediately. “Of course not. You can always come and see me. I just…I figured you hated me…well, for everything.”
She chuckled lightly, but not out of humour, more out of relief. “No…I don’t think I everhatedyou. I was angry. I felt like…I don’t know, maybe you didn’t love me, or I wasn’t good enough for you.”
Ouch.
“Lani…I could never think that about you, or your brother. I know it’s hard to understand…I don’t even know how I had the strength to stay away, but I thought I was doing the right thing. I was…in a dark time. The club I was part of was in the middle of a war. I’d just witnessed two of my friends’ deaths and I had to see their families cry for them at their funerals. I had to watch as their kids laid roses on their graves, and cried for their dad, but before that…I had to watch my brothers protect their family with everything they had. They didn’t sleep, they stayed awake in case something came for them. I couldn’t let that happen to you or your brother. I wouldn’t survive something happening to you.”
I could feel the pressure in my chest getting tighter as I thought about something happening to them. The pain I’d felt for years knowing I couldn’t be a part of their lives.
Things are different now. I could be if I really wanted to, but I knew Mari’s husband wouldn’t want that. He did a damn good job raising them. I didn’t want to intrude. I figured I could just take over when they were old enough to be my friends.
Lani nodded, as if she understood what I was saying. “Parenting is hard.”
“Hardest damn job I’d ever had, but also…”
“The most rewarding.”
“Yeah,” I replied, wondering how she knew that.
“Tavi told me. She said you loved me, but you couldn’t risk my safety, and that I should come and talk to you about how I was feeling about it.”
My heart beat a little faster hearing her name come up. It was stupid. I knew it was, but I was desperate to hear about her.I was due to see her tonight, and I had a plan for it, but just hearing that she had told Lani to come and talk to me, that filled me with so much emotion, I was afraid I would break.
It was stupid how much I felt for that woman.
“What did she say?” I asked finally.
Lani smiled. “She told me that you did what you thought was right at the time, but you missed us. You loved us, and only wanted the best for me and Bane, but if I really needed to, I should come and talk to you.”
Warmth flooded my entire chest. “You like her?”
Lani nodded, with a soft smile. “She’s really nice. I like Van too. He’s like a crazy version of Bane. Even beats him at Mario Kart.”
I let out a chuckle, unable to stop myself, because I could see it. That kid was ready to take on the world at the drop of a hat. I fucking missed his crazy mornings. I missed waking up and getting him breakfast to let Tavi sleep a little more, because I knew she’d never had that before, but also because it gave me time with Van so we could be boys.
It had been a thing I’d wanted to do with Bane before I’d made my decision. Fuck, I had a lot to make up for.
“I’m sorry I messed up…I…fuck–shit—damn, I’m a really bad dad.”
Lani was by my side, holding my hand in hers and squeezing it. “I don’t think you’re the worst dad, like in the grand scheme of things, I definitely wouldn’t call you Hitler, but yeah, you made a pretty dumb decision…but if you thought it was to protect us…I think I kinda get it.”
Her soft hand on my scarred and rough one just showed that she was young. Too young to be the voice of reason here.
“I don’t know how to ask for your forgiveness, Lani.”
“Then don’t. Show us you love us.”
Fuck me. My chest swelled. “When did you get so fucking grown up.”
Lani chuckled, and I could see the emotion in her eyes, teetering on the edge of spilling over. “Since I turned fucking sixteen, Dad.”
We both laughed, and relaxed our postures. Something changing between us, acceptance and relief, perhaps. I’d always craved this, a relationship between me and my kids. I always suspected it would be Bane first, but I’d take Lani, at the drop of a hat.
“Are we good?” I ventured, suddenly feeling the tightness in my chest again.
“I want to say yes, but something tells me I need to see how we go…is that okay? If we just do it slowly?”
“That is more than okay, Lani. I respect that a hell of a lot, especially for someone your age. Fuck me, you’re so grown up.”
