Another message.
Rory:Can I come over later?
My stomach twists. Because part of me wants to say yes and wants him here so I can just look at him and know. But the other part… The louder part… Is already protecting me. Already pulling back. Already building distance.
Freya:Not feeling great today. Early night I think.
The lie sits heavy the second I send it. There’s a pause.
Rory:Alright. Feel better soon. Let me know if you need anything.
That’s it. No pushing. No questioning. Just… that. And for some reason that makes it worse. I stare at the message for a long time, my throat tight. Because if he’d pushed… If he’d insisted… Maybe I would have broken. Maybe I would have told him. Maybe I would have felt like I’d got it all wrong. Instead, I’m left here with my own thoughts. Which is the worst place to be. Why wouldn’t he push to see me? Maybe it is what it looks like and he’s going to go back to Sienna. Fuck.
I toss my phone onto the bed and press my hands over my face. I lie back again, staring up at the ceiling.
What if I’ve been completely stupid? What if this whole thing… Was just a moment for him? Something easy. Something temporary. Something that fits into his life when it’s convenient. And then he steps back intothatworld like nothing’s changed. Like I never happened. I turn onto my side, pulling the duvet up slightly even though I’m not cold. I don’t text him again. I don’t call him back. And I definitely don’t want to see him.
It’s Monday morning. Again. It’s funny how, even when you’re deep in emotional turmoil, weekends seem to fly by in the blink of an eye.By the time my alarm goes off, I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. My eyes burn. My head feels heavy. And my eyes still feel stingy, like I could cry at any moment.
Theo chatters beside me as I get him ready for school, completely unaware of the storm going on in my head, and I cling to that normality more than I probably should.
“Can we have pasta tonight?” he asks, pulling on his shoes.
“Yeah,” I say automatically.
“With garlic bread?”
“Of course.”
“Best day ever.”
I smile faintly. If only it were that simple. If only the only decisions you had to make as an adult were what you wanted for dinner.
The school run is a blur. I drop Theo off at his classroom, giving him an extra squeeze before he disappears inside, and for a second, I consider leaving straight after. Calling in sick. Avoiding everything. Avoiding life. Avoiding him. But I don’t. Because I can’t. I can’t mope around at home, wallowing in my thoughts any longer. So instead, I take a breath and walk through the school gates like everything is completely normal.The things I’ve dealt with over the years have given me this unique ability to put on a mask and roll with it. Today’s mask will be happy, normal, bubbly Freya. The Freya who’s heart isn’t doing something strange in her chest. The Freya who’s not replaying the same image over and over again.
I don’t see Rory. Which is both a relief and… not. Because part of me wants to see him. Just to know.
The day drags. I go through the motions, helping with reading, sorting worksheets, gently reminding children to sit still and focus, but my mind is elsewhere the entire time.
Hannah finds me in the staff room just before lunch. She takes one look at me and sighs.
“You didn’t sleep.”
“No.”
“Did you speak to him?”
“No.”
She raises an eyebrow.“Freya.”
“What?”
“You need to talk to him.”
I shake my head. “What’s there to talk about?”
“Everything.”
