I’m just grateful I can be here for him now.
Even in my head, I talk through shit. I can only stay calm and keep my hands steady if I freak out in my mind.
Tav doesn’t need to hear me screaming “why”because he’ll internalize that shit. No, I have to remain his rock. I’ll be that for him because there is no other way through this.
“Open your eyes, baby. Be my good boy, please,” I rasp, my voice full of pain and worry. “Stay with me, sweetheart.”
My hand cups his face, tipping his head back as I apply pressure on his cuts.
“I ruin everything,” he whispers, his eyes opening slowly.
There’s so much hate in his words for himself, it brings tears to my eyes.
“What happened?”
“The voices told me I was worthless,” he says. “Cutting shuts them up, but I went…too deep.”
“The limp…” I trail off. “You tell those goddamned voices that they’re wrong, Tav. Being mine means that if you die, I’ll follow you down kicking and screaming to bring your ass back to me. I fucking see you. I want you to wake me up when you’re struggling, come to me no matter what.”
“I’m such a freak. How could you want someone like me when you’re so…perfect,” he says, tears starting to roll down his cheeks.
“So are you,” I gasp, shaking my head. I’m losing the battle against the heat behind my lids, the one that means I’m going to cry too. Fuck it. “You’re mine regardless of how clean you need things to be, or when you’re melting down, or whatever else your brain throws at us. Okay? I love it all.”
The razor hits the tile to punctuate my declaration, and my lips slam down on his. He tastes salty from the emotions we’re experiencing, and also sweet like marshmallows. It’s almost perfect.
It’s him and me against the world.
And when he forgets, I’ll remind him.
CHAPTER 14
Octavian
I watchthe scenery pass by slowly as I stare out the window; trees for days, open fields, big houses spaced out with miles in between.
It’s beautiful. Peaceful. I haven’t seen this part of Minnesota yet. Not in person, anyway, and I finally think I know why.
Partly a subconscious decision on my part, probably.
Galena has rolling hills and peaceful scenery. The historic downtown is very serene and feels isolated from the rest of the world. There were little farms and it had thathomegrown, small town USAvibe. Gran loved Galena so much. She loved the history and culture of it. The feeling of stepping back in time to when the world was easier, when it moved slower and wasn’t so scary.
Yeah, definitely a subconscious decision.
It’s about three hours from Chicago, and I think I spent more time there than the city I actually lived in. Especially after Gran died.
Mandy had a biggerclientelein the Chicago area, so we were there a lot because of it. I hated it. Couldn’t stand all the noiseand pollution, how busy everything was or how intimidating just driving through the heart of it felt. It didn’t help that it also represented some sort of horrible ordeal I was going to have to try to survive, either. I won’t ever be able to fully enjoy Chicago because of that, but at the end of the day, we always went home to Galena, and I think that’s why I wound up in Pine City.
They feel the same way. History and culture. Peaceful.
There are a lot of similarities between my new home and old one, but I haven’t ventured beyond the few blocks surrounding my building because I was worried it would feeltoo muchlike Galena, and it would fuck with me somehow.
Namely by making me miss my grandmother more than I should after over two decades without her.
I wrap my arms around my waist, pulling the seatbelt tight across the cuts on my chest as a tear forms on my lower lashes.
So stupid.
I shake my head as I mentally berate myself, then flinch when I feel a hand on my knee.
