“Good girl. Now gently ease up.” He starts pulling, tightening his hold on my arms.
I press my palms into the surface and try to push up, but my inner muscles are clamped tight onto the dildo, refusing to relax, and the movement pulls painfully at my tissues.
“Stop,” I urge, grabbing onto the edge of the bench.
“Shh, it’s no wider at the tip than the base. It won’t stretch any more than it already does.”
“I can’t,” I squeal, panic closing in, squeezing my lungs.
Ian pulls a little again, and I cry out, the sensations too sharp, the tension too tight. Suddenly, my stomach is cramping. And not just a little. The stiffening spasm grows explosively, spearing pain through my abdomen at the smallest motion.
“Stop,” I scream, pushing at his hands. “Stop!” That’s when I start sobbing. Utter desperation claws at my insides, panic screeching through my mind. Ineedto get off this thing, but I can’t.
“Jenna, relax.” Ian leans in, but I swat at him, huddling in on myself. I don’t want him or any of his fucked-up, fake comfort. I just want everything to disappear.
“Sweetheart, I’ve got you,” he reassures, but the soothing words only make everything worse. Because they’re not real. They’re just means to manipulate me and turn my body against me.
“Just leave me alone,” I beg. My sobs come harder, shaking my chest, making my muscles clench even tighter around the dildo. It keeps going, each spasm tightening, wringing mystomach from the inside. Soon, I’m panting, digging my nails into my arms. Panic is taking over. Hot and blinding.
“Jenna,” Ian urges repeatedly, but I barely hear him. It’s like my ears are stuffed with cotton, closing me into my own narrow world of lonely agony.
“Killian,” he roars, and this time, the sound penetrates the void. It rattles through me, a shock to my system. I pull harder in on myself, sobbing with painful desperation. I just want to curl up and disappear from the world. But I can’t. I’m stuck. On this horrible bench and in the tightening panic that is about to swallow me whole.
28
The Bully
Jenna
Age nine
“Look, Jenna’s wearing a sparkling skirt,” Killian announces with a cruel laugh as I enter the classroom in the morning.
Callum leans in, whispering something that makes them both snicker. They’ve become best friends, and making fun of me is their favorite pastime.
“She looks like a Disney princess,” Killian adds, grinning down at me from the windowsill where they sit every day, like kings ruling the class.
My heart aches from how hard I miss the sweet and caring Killian who was my best friend for two years. It was just him and me; the rest of the world didn’t matter. Now he can’t talk to me without some kind of mockery. It hurts. But I’m determined not to let it get to me. One day, he’ll come back to me. And I’ll be ready when that day comes. So I just smile and say, “Hi Killian,” the same as I’ve always done.
He snorts as if my sweetness is ridiculous.
Ignoring him, I pop into my seat beside Cora and take out my math books. “Did you finish homework?”
“I did, but I couldn’t figure out how to do the one about the train.”
“Right? Me neither. I was stuck on it forever. But I think I got it.” I turn my worksheet toward her and point at the numbers. “See? You just divide it first, then subtract.”
When Mr. Greene enters, Killian rounds our table on the way to his own and slams his hand into the surface with a force that makes my heart jump into my throat. “Dorks!”
“Fuck you!” The words burst out before I can swallow them back. I press my hands to my chest. My heart pounds so hard it hurts.
“Watch that tongue,” Mr. Greene reprimands in a sharp tone that makes me shrink on my chair. I hate getting reprimanded by the teachers more than anything, and I hate the way everyone turns to look.
For the next twenty minutes, I sit stiffly in my seat, trying to focus on Mr. Greene and the numbers he scribbles on the blackboard, but not really seeing anything.
“You were right,” Cora whispers when he explains the assignment with the train.
“Jenna cheated!” Killian announces to Mr. Greene. “I saw her copying Cora’s results just before you came in.”
