I feel Killian watching me as his part pauses, just before the melody begins. The moment is fraught with intensity. I feel it all. The fear, the shame, and the anxiety he has caused me, but also the excitement of playing again—the surprise of the effortlessness.
When he eases into the melody, tears spring to my eyes. This music has always touched me deeply, but something about hearing Killian play it—me being part of it—brings back all the emotions I had forgotten and suppressed: the awe he always inspired within me when he played and those early years that made me fall hopelessly and irrevocably in love with him before he shattered my world into pieces.
5
The Beginning
Jenna
Age six
“Please come inside, Mom.” I tug at the hem of her jacket as she turns to leave. “Please.”
“Hush. You’re a big girl now. Stop whining.” She pulls at her jacket, and the fabric slides through my fingers, taking away my last piece of safety.
Tears pool in my eyes while I watch her walk away, down the hall, through the glass doors, disappearing out of sight. I turn toward the classroom, and a girl with pigtails sees my teary eyes and casts me a taunting look. But it’s not her condescension that makes my chest shake; it’s the sight of the woman holding her hand as they step inside—hermom stayed.
I quickly wipe at my eyes when a boy with dark brown hair and blue eyes comes up to me. I expect him to drop some mocking comment when he stops in front of me, but instead, he holds his hand toward mine.
“Do you want to go in together?”
I glance down at his hand and up at his face, expecting some kind of trick. But his smile is warm, his blue eyes bright with anticipation.
“It’s okay to be scared,” he tells me, then leans in to whisper in my ear. “I’m scared too.”
“You don’t look like it.”
He turns to show me his Spider-Man backpack. “That’s because I have this guy with me. My dad got it for me.” His eyes light up.
“Why isn’t he here with you?” I search the space and the end of the hall where my mom just left, and my chest gets tight again when I realize he’s alone too.
“He’s in Australia, playing a concert with a big orchestra.”
“Really? What instrument is he playing?”
“The piano,” he says proudly. “I can play some too.”
My cheeks heat, and I look at my shoes. “I’m taking my first piano lesson this week.”
“Well, then we can be piano buddies.” He holds out his hand again, and this time, I take it.
We walk hand in hand into the classroom and take a seat next to each other at the back. When the girl who saw me nearly crying turns around and casts me another dirty look, he sticks his tongue out at her, and she quickly turns back around.
I watch him with a big, bright smile, wanting to thank him. But when he turns his blue eyes my way, I can’t find the words.
“I’m Killian, by the way. What’s your name?”
“I’m Jenna.”
He holds his hand out to shake mine, seeming very grown-up. “Nice to meet you, Jenna.”
6
The Desire
Jenna
Playing with Killian nearly steals my breath. It reminds me of that first day of school, being carried through the ups and downs by him. When the music runs out, I don’t want to open my eyes and face the world and the version of Killian that broke my heart. I want to stay with that sense of stability he gave me back then and again now while we played.
