One of the promises she had made was not to disturb him in the evening; she broke that the first night. Another was to work for him for six months, which was clearly no longer the case. The third promise was that she would not go into the eastern wing.
There was a fourth promise too, one that had felt strange at the time but now felt wholly relevant. Just as it was one that she hoped he would not remember…
“There is still one more you have yet to break,” he spoke over her. As he did, he pulled her in a little bit closer as their direction changed, and she gasped to feel his arms around her.
Her knees buckled, and she nearly fell, memories of the last time he had held her this way crashing down on her. But he kept her steady, protected, and owning her as he always had.
“And I want you to know that in this instance, you are free to break it. Please, do not think I would dare to stop you.”
“Wh – what promise is that?” she asked, daring to think he would mention her love for him… that he hoped she felt this way.
Finally, he looked down at her, and there was a touch of sadness in his dark eyes. “The reason that you are here, no doubt. Now that you are of the peerage, you will be expected to marry.”
“Oh…” Her heart crashed.
“Although that promise only applied for so long as you worked for me, which you no longer do. But I want you to know that I am happy for you, Octavia. Nobody deserves this more than you do. So, please, forgive me for how I behaved, and know that all I want is for you to be happy.”
The music came to a gentle stop, and as it did, their waltz slowed down. Gently, ever so carefully, the Duke released her from his clutches and took a step away.
It was but one foot between, though, although it felt like it was miles of space. The distance that separated them… they were of the same world now, but never had they felt so far apart. Try as she might, Octavia could not see how it would ever close.
“Good luck,” he said with a soft smile, as if he meant it. “I pray that you find everything you are looking for.”
It was her last chance. All Octavia had to do was tell him how she felt. Why was it so hard? With all they had been through, all they had done, it should have been the simplest of things.
But as she started to speak, as she gathered her courage, she noticed how the Duke still refused to look at her. She felt that distance between them more than ever. Perhaps he was not the same man she had met that first day, all those weeks ago, but he was not the same man who had opened himself to her either.
Whatever they had, whatever they almost were, it was gone now, and Octavia knew that nothing she said would change it. What was worse, she did not think that he wanted her to.
“Thank you,” she somehow managed. “For everything.”
His smile remained, a soft nod of recognition, and he turned and walked away.
And there Octavia stood, watching the man she loved leave her for the last time, knowing in her heart of hearts that she would never see him again. She might marry. She might have a family. She might live a life of influence and wealth, everything that she ever wanted. But it would not be enough. Always, she would wonder to what might have been… and what never was.
Chapter Thirty
Evander arrived home early from the ball, but that was not a surprise. He had not gone there to enjoy himself or to be social as most would do. He went for one reason only, and having done that single thing, left right after.
Perhaps I should not have gone at all. It might have been easier if I had just pretended… rather, if I had forgotten. Out of sight is out of mind, and I need to remember this.
It was because he was home so early that he wondered about Aaron, the likelihood that his son was still awake. This past week had seen Aaron return to his earlier ways, an agent of chaos and destruction, and getting the young boy to go to bed on time was proving to be an exercise in patience.
Not that Evander had to guess why his son was this way.
Funnily, Evander almost envied his son. When Aaron was upset, he let it be known. When he wanted something, he did notshy away from saying it. Evander, however, hid his feelings, he refused to admit to them, and he bottled up his emotions and his needs because he was afraid of what might happen if he let them out.
Once again, he had turned into that which he had spent the last few weeks escaping. For a time there, he started to see the benefit of being honest with himself. Emotional transparency had not been a weakness, but a bridge on which others might walk so they could offer their aid. Such a state of being was responsible for Evander and Octavia…
No, do not go there, Evander. What’s done is done, and there is no going back.
His walls were back up. He hid behind them as he had always done. And whenever Octavia came to mind, whenever he started to wonder about what might have been, he built them higher. It was the only way to keep the sadness at bay… or to pretend that it did not exist at all.
As expected, Aaron was awake.
The room was dark. When Evander poked his head inside, he thought for a moment that his son was asleep. But then he saw movement in the bed…
“Aaron?” he said softly, just in case Aaron was asleep.
