I rolled over and leaned up on one arm to look at her. “You want to know why I was still a virgin.”
She bit her lip and nodded sheepishly.
It was a question I’d had to answer too many times, but I didn’t mind her asking.
I had to think about how to explain it. “It kind of got all tangled up in my head when my dad died. My parents were each other’s first and they were madly in love until the day he died. Grief does weird shit, right? I was just starting to think about doing that kind of stuff and thought he’d be disappointed in me if I had casual sex…even though he never would’ve made me feel that way if he’d been alive. But I thought maybe if I held out I’d find something like what they had.”
She kissed my shoulder. “You’ve decided to give up on finding your one true love?”
I grinned. “Not necessarily. I’ve just given up on being celibate while I’m looking for her. I’ve seen enough now to know that falling for your first isn’t necessarily a good thing.”
“So you decided to do it with an escort because there was no risk you’d fall for a sex worker?” Her tone was light, self-deprecating in a way that didn’t diminish her air of confidence. She was comfortable with her role in all this.
“No. I told my mentor of sorts that I was ready and he hired you. Something about wanting a rock-solid guarantee that my first time would be good. And you didn’t fuck it up, Helen.”
She jokingly pulled her fist back in triumph.
It was such an intimate moment that it felt weird to be calling her by a name I knew wasn’t real.
“What’s your real name?” I blurted.
She turned to face me again. “What’s your social security number?”
“What?” That seemed like a wild jump.
Her expression was teasing, but her eyes were wary. “Oh, sorry. I thought we were asking each other for inappropriate personal information.”
I smiled and nudged her, still not sure whether she was joking or serious. “So you’re not going to tell me your name?”
She let out a breath. “I had a great time with you and I’m honored I was your first. But this is still my job. Those professional boundaries are in place for a reason. “
Her expression softened. “Besides, this way you can remember me as the mysterious, sexy stranger who stole your innocence.” She squealed when I nipped her shoulder playfully with my teeth.
“The real version is always less sexy than the fantasy,” she said, but she couldn’t have been more wrong. I’d played out this fantasy over and over in my mind and would relive the memory of what we’d just done even more times, but no fantasy could live up to the reality of her.
Like she felt guilty for making things awkward between us, she said, “So...do you feel like you know what the fuss is about?”
“Big time.” Had I sounded too enthusiastic? Too much like a kid? “What was your first time like?” The question tumbled out of my mouth and I wanted to kick myself. She’d set a boundary and here I was asking her more personal questions.
She was quiet for a minute and I didn’t think she was going to give me an answer, but then she spoke. “It was forgettable. I was only fourteen and one of my neighbors was an older high school guy. I’d seen him around at the pool or the skatepark for years, but when I hit puberty he finally started paying attention to me.”
She paused and smiled at me. “He was barely younger than you are now—just a few years. Isn’t that wild?”
Wild wasn’t the word I would’ve used. She didn’t seem bothered, but I wanted to track the predatory piece of shit down and bash his head into a wall.
“I’d always been so gawky and awkward, but somehow he still noticed me…and gawky, awkward Helen desperately wanted to be noticed. A few touches led to fumbling kisses behind the skatepark. And a few kisses led to him inviting me over one night when his parents were out. I knew what he expected and I showed up, but I got nervous. I hadn’t done any of the things he wanted to do before, but he told me that’s what the older girls did. He said all the right things, so I did what he wanted. I didn’t hate it, but it wasn’t like there were fireworks.”
She shrugged and laughed. “I can’t believe I just told you all that. It’s not even an interesting story. Hopefully your first time was a teeny bit more memorable than mine.”
The feelings I was having had no place here, so I didn’t say anything. I pushed her back down on the mattress, sliding to my knees on the floor between her legs.
“What are you doing?” She looked confused.
“You deserve fireworks. I can’t go back and give them to you for your first time, but I can make damn sure you have them now.”
9
ZANE
