If using him got me to an orgasm and that got me some sleep, what did it matter?
I let the memories flow through my mind. The way he kissed me like he owned me. The hungry, single-minded look in his eyes as he slid down between my parted thighs and went to work with that wicked mouth.
The way he’d read my mind, dragging fantasies from me I’d never told a soul.
I was getting close, so close to that elusive orgasm when dizziness overtook me. The whole room seemed to roll in disorienting waves.
Shit, shit, shit.It’s an actual earthquake.
My heart raced, but I knew staying in bed was the safest course of action. I’d obsessively read and planned what to do in a variety of scenarios. People who tried to move around often got injured. If it was powerful enough to move buildings, it was powerful enough to break your legs.
The only reason to move is if something might fall on you, and I’d strategically avoided hanging any pictures over my bed, so I was safe as long as the building didn’t collapse.
I counted the seconds, gripping the sheets and wondering if this would finally be the big one we’d been warned about my whole life.
It lasted longer than usual but wasn’t violent enough to knock anything down. I stayed put to reassure myself it was really over.
Perfect. Now, instead of just watching the clock drain away the remaining time I had to sleep, I could also lie here and anticipate aftershocks.
Bonus misery!
My phone vibrated with a text.
Ophelia:You okay?
I texted back,Yeah, just a long roller, right? Couldn’t sleep anyway. You good?
Ophelia:Fine. In a cuddle puddle with my subbies. Barely noticed it.
My eyes stung with tears. I didn’t want to be in a cuddle puddle, but I did want to be with someone. I was tired and it was making me feel vulnerable.
I’m lonely, I sent back, feeling pathetic, but she was my safe space.
Ophelia:Come over.
My thumb hovered over the screen, needing to admit my secret to someone.
I miss him. Don’t judge.
Ophelia:Nate??????
I smiled, picturing her horror.
Not Nate.I couldn’t bring myself to type his name.
After an extended pause, ellipses appeared on the screen.
Ophelia:Ah. Got it.
She didn’t respond again, but what else was there to say?
After my brother died, I’d never really had family, but I’d done my best to fill that aching void with friends. It was only now that I could truly see how much I’d let Nate isolate me from almost everyone I cared about. Ophelia was still there, but she was so busy I rarely actually saw her.
I missed feeling like I had a family. Elena, once a close friend, had felt like a stranger at Alex’s house. How was I supposed to bridge that gap and make up for years of neglecting our friendship?
Twenty more minutes ticked by torturously before I gave in and got up to shower. I didn’t love the idea of an aftershock while I was in the shower, but I was going to lose my mind if I stayed in bed. I set a pair of sturdy boots and some clothes just outside the shower to be safe.
I was so tired by the time I was dressed, I was past caring about aftershocks.
