Which was fucked, really. The absolute last thing I needed to do was go down that road again. I was a mess as it was.
But I had to know if I was delusional. Maybe she was just in a bad mood. Maybe she was hiding from someone else. Maybe she hadn’t even heard my song yet.
One way to find out…
“You guys wanna hear my new single?” I called out to the patio.
My younger brother Ryan, the lovable little shit, called back, “Already heard it. Still not as good as your first album.”
He was the only person who could say that, mean it, and make me smile. His neurodivergence was part of his charm.
Alex bit back a smile. “Here, I’ll put it on for everyone who hasn’t already passed judgment.”
Alex was my rock. We’d risen to fame together when his acting career took off around the same time as my music career, and just having him there as a touchstone to remind me that I was still me had been a lifesaver.
We didn’t get to spend much time together now between filming and touring, but knowing I had someone there who understood it all, who knew where I’d come from and still just saw me as his shitshow younger brother, was a comfort. Fame gave you the illusion that you were special, but if it all went away, he’d still have my back.
I could talk to him about how overwhelming the spotlight could be, or how lonely it sometimes was, but the truth was, most of the time I didn’t even have to say it. We could exchange a look and know that the other just got it.
My mom and little brother were staying with me while they were in town. I’d put my mom in the guest house in the hopes I could keep her at arm’s length for her stay so she didn’t pick up on what a mess I was and worry the whole time I was on tour. She was recovering from a fall off a ladder and the last thing I wanted was to add another worry to her plate, but Alex knew without me having to say anything.
He pulled out his phone and in seconds “You Deserve It” was coming out of every overheard speaker in his home entertainment system.
I didn’t dare go back into the kitchen, but I moved closer to the door.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Maia muttered, slamming something onto the counter.
Oh, she’s heard it all right.
“Fucking sadist…” She kicked the oven closed.
I could only be a sadist if it hurt her. The only reason it would hurt her is if it was true.
I moved out to the patio where my mom folded me into a one-armed hug. “I’m so proud of you, honey.”
I hugged her back, but my mind was elsewhere.
It was an entire paradigm shift to imagine Maia even knew it was about her.
I didn’t write it to hurt her. I wrote it to make myself feel better, never imagining she’d even put the pieces together.
Looking at it all through new eyes, it made sense that she missed the sex. I’d never doubted she was into that part of it. That had been the real deal.
Why had it never occurred to me to take the rest of it off the table and focus on the part she did want?
I wasn’t any more interested in a relationship now than she was. I could picture her ex’s face as he walked slowly toward her with a ring, and there was no way in hell I was reliving that experience. But if neither of us wanted that, there was nothing stopping us from entering into an adult arrangement.
I didn’t see her again before we sat down for dinner, so I looked up every time someone appeared at the patio door to bring out a platter of food.
It wasn’t her. She evidently had a few other people here working for her because she didn’t come out. Had she left already?
I was trying to follow the conversation at the table, but was internally freaking out that she was already gone.
Surely, that brief interaction couldn’t be it. I needed closure.
One glimpse of Maia on a video stirred stronger feelings in me than I’d felt in years. I didn’t like it and I didn’t need it right now, but trying to ignore it wasn’t getting me anywhere either.
I’d taken three eager women home with me the night before and felt nothing. Less than nothing. I’d felt hollow after I sent them home, wishing I’d let them stay just to have a distraction from the empty silence even if it wasn’t a good distraction.
