When I looked back up at his face, his eyes were cast down, long eyelashes brushing his cheeks. He was vulnerable and impenetrable at the same time.
Fuck, he’s beautiful…
I grabbed another towel to quickly dry his lower half, then led him out to the bedroom, pulling back the giant fluffy duvet so he could slide underneath.
“Stay…” he said, reaching a hand out from under the covers.
I got in on the other side of the bed and scooted closer until our bodies were touching. He was still shivering, so I moved to wrap myself around him in the big spoon, but he flipped us so I was tucked into the cradle of his big body. It was my spot.
I lay there quietly, feeling his breaths matching mine, slow and steady. He stopped shaking, but still felt rigid with tension.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked carefully.
He started to speak slowly, like he was having to muddle through the right way to explain it, so I stayed quiet and let him work through it.
“Touring is the bread and butter of being a musician, but the more successful we’ve become, the higher the expectations are and the more the pressure lands squarely on me. On a tour like this? There’s over a hundred people traveling with us plus all the locals who set up and break down at each show. Millions of tickets sold. We all work together to make the show happen.”
He paused, letting out a breath.
“But if one of them is out for a night the show can go on. Some would be a bigger crisis than others, but we could find a way. Kelly’s out? Maybe we could find another drummer to rehearse and step in. Maybe not. But if I can’t sing the show gets cancelled. I can’t have an off night or a sick day. And I sure as shit can’t be having panic attacks. They’re all counting on me to be better than this.”
His breathing had grown shallow and rapid again, so I took a few deep, slow breaths and he took the hint.
“We don’t have to talk about it now if it’s making it worse,” I said.
“No, it helps. I promise not to melt the fuck down on you again, but I think I need to talk about it.”
I laced my fingers into his, trying to imagine the kind of pressure he was under.
“Have you talked to the guys about it?”
“I don’t even know what part of it is head fucking me so bad to be able to talk about it. I’ve gotten through other tours without dropping the ball, so I don’t know why this one would be any different. The schedule is demanding, but I love performing, love my fans and the music and the rush of being onstage. It’s like I’m rationally fine with all of it, but my body doesn’t want to get on board.”
He’d once told me how much he hated it when his whole life was scheduled for him, and I wondered if he’d considered that it might be part of the problem. From what I’d seen, for the whole time he was on tour, his time didn’t belong to him.
He’d stopped shaking, so I said, “Can I go and let Gabriella know she needs to reschedule the interviews you’re supposed to be doing today so they don’t come looking for you?”
He stiffened. “I can’t let everyone down like that. The promo sells out shows. We all make significantly more with the bonuses when shows sell out and that requires the promo machine.”
By the promo machine, he meant the one he was putting himself through to wring out bonuses for everyone else.
He didn’t ask permission to take care of me. It was time someone did the same for him.
“You know what? Fuck this. When I wanted to go marching off into a London night with no wallet, no panties, and no plan, you straight up wouldn’t let me do something stupid and made me come here and stay with you. It’s my turn to take care of you. I’ll just delay your first two interviews to buy you time, but you’re in no state to be giving statements right this second.”
He let out a huff, but didn’t argue. How could he?
I went to the other suite and found Kelly trying to calm Gabriella down.
“Oh good!” she said when she saw me. “You’ve got Zane?”
I glanced at Kelly, hoping for support.
“Zane can’t do the first two interviews,” I said.
“Why the hell not?” she said, clearly panicking.
“He needs to rest his voice,” I said, trying to come up with something that wouldn’t involve compromising Zane’s privacy.
