“Well, yeah but…” Could I really reveal my deepest, darkest fear to her? Did I have a choice? “I’ve worked so hard to build my identity. I’m afraid of losing that.”
She leaned in, lowering her voice. “But this identity that you’ve worked so hard to build, is it the real you, or just a role you play to try and get attention on social media?”
That made me sound pathetic, and maybe I was. I didn’t even know anymore. But it was soul-crushing to think I’d invested so much of myself in something that may have been a waste of time and energy in the end.
“I don’t try togetattention.” I sounded defensive, like I was trying to justify myself, when I really shouldn’t have to. “I provide valuable information that I hope will help people make their lives a little better.” It’s not like I was saving the world, but if I could help people eat a little better, and make their homes feel more like their sanctuary, there was some value in that, wasn’t there?
“If that’s true, why not just do it for fun and do something else for a living? Isn’t that what most people do, post things online for fun?”
My mother was of a different generation. I couldn’t expect her to understand the opportunities that existed from brand sponsors, affiliate links, and residual payments from people viewing my online content. It amounted to a nice living, and I didn’t have to work at a job I hated. I was proud of the business I’d built and I got sick when I thought of just… abandoning it.
“It’s not that simple.” The physical and emotional exhaustion was seeping in. “What would I do if I just gave up on my business?”
“You could start a new business, help Joel on the farm, start a family, get a part-time job in town until you figure things out.” She looked me in the eye. “Work on your marriage, before it’s too late to save it.”
I didn’t want to lose Joel. But I didn’t want to lose myself either, and right now the latter scared me even more. If I still had my own sense of identity and purpose, I could survive without a man, even the man I loved, as painful as that thought was. But if I lost myself, and him, I would have nothing left. How could I survive that?
“Mom, I know you got married when things were simpler. Marriage, family, those were the only things that mattered. But it’s different now.”
“Family is still the most important thing, young lady. And it always will be. Joel is your family now, and you shouldn’t forget that.”
“But—”
“No buts! Did it ever occur to you that he might need you even more than you need him? He’s lost the two people closest to him, Gia. He doesn’t have any other family. He was counting on you to be there for him when you took those vows.” She gestured around my small apartment. “Instead, when things get hard, you’re holed up here, hiding out.”
“I’m not hiding out.”
“Well, you sure aren’t facing your problems head-on, are you?”
She had a point. “Is it a crime to take a little time for yourself to try and figure things out when your life implodes?”
She rolled her eyes. “Quit being so dramatic. It’s a job, not your life. Put things in perspective. You still have your health.” She glanced at the cast on my lower leg. “For the most part. You have money in the bank, a man who loves you, friends, family—”
“I get it, you’re right.” And she was right. My business was just that at the end of the day. It wasn’t my whole life, but I’d been making it seem like that. “I’ll think about everything you said, I promise.” I leaned in to kiss her cheek. “Thanks for the tough love. You’re the best.”
She held my chin in her hand. “Letting Joel get away would be the biggest regret of your life, sweetheart. Don’t make that mistake.”
ChapterEighteen
Joel
Rhett called to let us know that Briar had the baby, so I texted and offered to pick Gia up and take her to the hospital so she could meet her godson. She’d gratefully accepted. I knew I couldn’t crowd her, but would have to make an ongoing effort to spend time with her if I had a prayer of her coming home to me.
“You okay?” I asked, as we navigated our way down the hall to Briar’s private room.
“Yeah.”
Her expression was pinched and I could tell she was fighting the discomfort.
It ate me up inside, not being able to put my arm around her, to offer support and let her lean into me. Everything in me screamed to take care of this woman, to bear all of life’s burdens for her, but my gut told me that would only drive her further away.
“Hey there, little mama,” Gia whispered as I held the door of Briar’s room open so she could peek her head in. “Can we come in?”
“Of course,” Briar said, cradling her newborn against her chest. “I can’t wait for you guys to meet him.”
Rhett was hovering at the foot of his wife’s bed and gave Gia a kiss before shaking my hand.
“Congratulations,” I said, setting the multi-colored roses we’d purchased on a side table.
