“I didn’t give a shit about her. I would have gladly tossed her out on her ass. It was you, and your career, I was concerned about. I told you that before I left.”
“But when you left, I never expected you to go silent on me. What the hell, Joel? Not even a phone call to see how I was doing, or how the show was going?”
“I’m sorry.” He tipped his head back, slowly exhaling. “I’ve said that so many times you’re probably sick of hearing it.”
“You’re right, I am. I don’t want you to be sorry about what happened with Kaitlyn.”
His eyes met mine. “But I am. I’m not happy we lost the baby, but I wish I’d never met her.”
“That makes two of us.” It still killed me to think about him having a baby with another woman, but if he had been a father, it wouldn’t have changed how I felt about him. Or our connection. “But you can’t change the past any more than I can. We were barely speaking when you and she were dating, except for the occasional text to check in, so I’m not sure why you felt you couldn’t tell me about her miscarriage.”
He started pacing the small room, making me even more nervous. “I was afraid it would change the way you felt about me. And judging by the way you looked at me when you found out, it did.”
“No!” I shook my head vigorously and paid for it immediately with stabbing pain in my temples. Wincing, I rubbed my forehead, trying to will the ache away.
“Hey,” Joel said, his voice softening. “You okay, sweetheart?”
I closed my eyes, needing the veil of darkness as a reprieve. “I will be. I just need a little time to heal.” It wasn’t just my body that needed to heal, my head and heart did too. I felt like I couldn’t trust myself anymore. Before I fell in love with Joel I was so sure I knew what I wanted. I had a goal, a life plan, and now it felt like everything was unravelling.
Briar knocked before popping her head in the door. Her eyes widened when she spotted Joel. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“You didn’t.” My best friend was being admitted to the hospital tomorrow to induce labour, since her little one was already five days late, and I wanted to have some alone time with her before the big event. “Joel, can I talk to Briar for a bit?”
“Sure, I’ll just go check in with the doctor, see when you can be discharged. Assuming you’re up to leaving the hospital?”
“Yeah, that would be great, thanks.”
Briar patted Joel’s back as he walked past her, whispering, “It’s good to have you back.”
His smile was strained as he looked over his shoulder, casting one more glance in my direction before he left the room.
“Uh oh,” Briar said, claiming a chair next to my bed. “That was some serious tension. I did interrupt. I’m sorry, I just wanted to see you, make sure you were okay. Dee had to go to work, but she said she’d stop by to visit you later, either at home or in the hospital. And Rhett and Jake send their love too.”
“I appreciate that.” I reached for Briar’s hand. “How are you doing? Ready for this little one to make their appearance already?”
She rolled her eyes. “So ready. Wait ‘til it’s your turn, girl. By the last couple of weeks you’ll be pleading with the little peanut to quit torturing mama already.”
I was mortified when my eyes filled with tears, forcing me to look away.
“Hey,” Briar said, squeezing my hand. “What is it, hon? What’s wrong?”
“I’m just not sure I’ll ever get that chance, Bri. To be a mom. I really want to, but things are such a mess right now.” I closed my eyes, forcing myself to pull it together. “I’m sorry, this isn’t the time—”
“Anytime is the right time to talk to me, Gia.”
I loved her for saying that, but she was happy and excited and in love with the man of her dreams. She didn’t need me bringing her down with my problems. “Do you think it would be terrible if I told Joel I needed to go back to my apartment for a while, instead of going home with him?”
Briar winced. “Things are that bad?” When I didn’t respond, she said, “I didn’t realize you’d kept your apartment when you and Joel got married.”
“I kept meaning to give my notice, but things got so crazy leading up to the wedding and after, I just never got around to it.”
“You sure that’s all there is to it?”
Of course, my best friend would call me out. Just like I’d call her out if I thought there were problems in her marriage that she was contributing to by making bad decisions. “I don’t know.”
I’d always prided myself on being independent, and moving in with Joel, meshing our lives meant I would have to sacrifice some of that independence, and deep down, maybe that scared me.
God, I really did suck at relationships. No wonder I’d been single so long.
