“My wife is a huge fan of yours,” he said, slipping his phone into the back pocket of his worn work jeans. “She was excited to hear you were going to be getting your own show. She’s been following all the behind-the-scenes stuff on social media.”
“That’s sweet.” His wife was a pre-school teacher in our small town. A few years behind me in high school, so I hadn’t met her until she married Johnny and moved out to the Wheeler farm. Our paths didn’t cross often, but when they did she’d always been kind to me.
“Don’t worry, I’ll have everything ready before the crew needs to set up. I’ve got a couple of hours left, right?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t come out here to check up on you.” He waited for me to continue, so I blurted out, “Have you heard from him?”
He frowned before understanding dawned. “Yeah, sure. Joel checks in with me every day.”
He called Johnny every day but hadn’t called me once? I’d been hurt before, now I was gutted. And pissed. How dare he! Why wasn’t he trying to work this out? Why wasn’t he telling me that he missed me as much as I missed him?
Was Kaitlyn right? Was he having too much fun with his old friends to care what I was doing back home?
“You, uh, haven’t heard from him?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck.
I shook my head, not wanting to put him on the spot, but dying to know what his boss had said. “How is he?”
He shrugged. “Good, I guess. Said he’s been keeping busy with work stuff.”
I knew Joel had been an angel investor in some businesses in L.A. Was that the work Johnny referred to? Or had he immersed himself in the stock market again… as a distraction or because he intended to pick up with his life where he’d left off before he returned to his family’s farm?
“He, uh, asked how things were going around here. Wondered if you needed anything.”
“He couldn’t have called to ask me himself?” I snapped. “Sorry,” I muttered. “I don’t mean to be a bitch to you, Johnny. I just can’t believe he left like that.”
“He didn’t really fill me in on what happened. Joel’s a great guy, but it’s not like we’re friends. We mainly talk about farm stuff.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” I raised a hand and the sparkly ring on my left hand mocked me, reminding me of my sham of a marriage. Maybe I was getting what I deserved for trying to deceive people, especially my own parents. “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. I know this has nothing to do with you.”
“I’m sure he’ll be back soon enough, Gia. Y’all can work things out then. If there’s one thing I know about Joel, he takes his responsibilities seriously. He’s not the kind of guy to cut and run.”
I didn’t want him to view me as a responsibility or obligation. I needed to be the woman he wanted to come home to, but given how far apart we were, figuratively and literally, I didn’t even know if that was even possible anymore.
“I wish things were different.”
I gazed out the window at the cows grazing in the pasture. It was a picturesque country scene. One I would have lost myself in, if not for the chaotic thoughts running through my head. I didn’t even know what peace felt like anymore. I was always stressed, always tense. Always worried about the show, my marriage, the future, what to post online, what not to post… and I hated it. I just wanted a break from this life, to figure out what really mattered to me. Because somewhere along the way, I’d lost myself.
“What do you mean?”
“I thought I wanted all this,” I waved my hand, indicating the props that had been brought in for the show.
We were doing a seasonal décor shoot, even though fall was more than six weeks away. They’d brought in faux bales of hay, fake leaves, a long barnwood table, stools, fairy lights, and a slew of craft supplies. I was supposed to show viewers how to make wreaths and tablescapes to welcome the autumn season.
I would have to fake my way through hours of filming. Smiling when I felt like crying. Pretending to be happy and upbeat when I was dying inside. How had I allowed myself to become so… fake? I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted anymore.
Johnny leaned on his broom handle, studying me. “But you don’t?”
I didn’t even know why I was talking to Johnny about this. I was sure he had better things to do than help me solve my problems, but my friends would have told me to just call Joel already and I didn’t have the guts to put myself out there and risk getting hurt. Besides, I felt he should have called me. I wasn’t the one who failed to tell him about a pregnancy…
“I don’t even know anymore.” I sank down on one of the prop stools. “Have you ever felt so confused you didn’t even want to get out of bed?”
He considered my question before he shook his head. “No, ma’am. Can’t say that I have. But I’ve always been a pretty simple guy. Never really had any big dreams or goals. Just wanted a quiet, normal, simple life. Wanted to get married, have a couple of kids, steady paycheck, nice place to call home, a pickup truck that works, and that’s about it.”
“Sounds like a nice life to me.”
“Then why waste all your time with this other stuff?”
“What do you mean?”
