CHAPTER 21
MILES
Day after day went by in a blur of work, and Miles tried to find his new normal, despite the turmoil of grief and loss.
He would have to re-open steady contact with Chelsea soon, and he knew it. He wanted it. He missed her, and there had surely been baby updates that he hadn’t heard yet. He wanted them too.
But it was difficult. The more time went by, the harder it was to bridge the gap between the two of them. Whatever happened on the first call one of them made, it would be weighty and significant. Not only in terms of what was said, but who placed the call. Everything would feel momentous after so much time apart.
That’s no good reason not to do it. It’s only going to get harder.
Without meaning to, he turned his attention to the teddy bear that now sat on the corner of his desk. Bringing that thing to work had been a mistake. He had done it as a reminder of the fact that his father had been thinking of him, but now that it was here, it seemed to carry a different meaning. The only thing hecould think about every time he looked at Bear was Chelsea, who had spotted it in the photograph all those months ago.
It startled Miles how painful it was to think of that day. How much he ached to be back there, in that moment before everything had gone so wrong. His father had still been alive — there had still been time. And Chelsea had been by his side, their future together had been full of possibility.
But I don’t know what I was supposed to do differently, he thought miserably.I shouldn’t have spoken harshly on the day Dad died. I know that much. But she was so ready to believe me. So ready to hear that I didn’t care about our baby. She moved out and hasn’t contacted me since.
That wasn’t strictly true. Therehadbeen contact. It just hadn’t been direct. Chelsea had reached out to Trudy, and medical details were coming in that way. Miles had heard summaries of Chelsea’s last few doctor visits and knew that everything was going well. She was healthy, and so was the baby.
“But you should call her yourself,” Trudy had said, after telling him about the most recent check-up. “That’s what she wants, you know.”
“How can you know what she wants?” Miles had challenged.
“Because I know her,” Trudy had said simply. “I’ve been tending to her needs for a long time, and I understand what she wants. But more than that… sir, this is whatanywoman would want in this situation. If I can be forward?”
“You might as well.”
“She’s having your baby. It’s an unconventional arrangement, but it’s still a very vulnerable position for her to be in, and shewants you to take care of her. And I’m not talking about money,” Trudy had added before Miles could object. “I know you provide. She needs more than that.”
That was what Miles was pondering today, as he sat in his office and stared at Bear. Chelsea had never been a woman who asked to be taken care of. She had resisted when he had asked her to move into his house in the first place, and then she had left without even talking to him about it. Wouldn’t she take it as oppressive if he insisted on following her around, trying to help her when she had been clear she didn’t need his help?
He didn’t know. He only knew that doing the wrong thing here was likely to cost him dearly. He didn’t want to pay that price.
“What do I do, Bear?” he murmured. “Does she want me to call her? But if she did, why would she have left in the first place? Why would she go unless she had realized that I’m not someone she wants in her life?”
Bear stared back at him silently. “Well,you’reno help,” Miles grumbled. “I don’t know why you’re even still here. I should send you over to Chelsea’s house, if nothing else.”
But what if Chelsea reacted badly to a gift from him? He couldn’t write off that possibility. He might send her the bear only to have it sent back to him. He didn’t believe she would throw it away if she didn’t want it — she was too thoughtful to do something like that, knowing how much it meant to him. But it was certainly conceivable that she wouldn’t accept the gift.
The trouble was that things had changed between them, but they hadn’t been able to discuss or define that change. He didn’t know yet what she expected from him. He was going to go on paying for the baby’s needs, of course, but other than that… didshe still want him to be involved in the baby’s life, or had she decided she didn’t want that anymore?
I’m going to be involved,he thought firmly.It’s still my baby, and if my thoughtless words have made her believe I don’t feel that way, I’m going to fix it. I’m going to make sure she knows I care about her and about our kid.
The question was, how was he going to do that? With a teddy bear? It didn’t seem like nearly enough of a gesture to say everything he needed to say to her.
I’m sorry.
I was selfish.
Of course this hasn’t all been for nothing. Of course I don’t have any regrets.
I was just upset that my father wouldn’t be able to know our baby, and I lashed out…
That was the heart of the problem, of course. There was no excuse for the way he had taken his feelings out on her, even if it had been the most painful moment of his life. And there was every possibility she had left because she had realized he was the kind of man who would do something like that, and hadn’t considered him worthy of her time and attention any longer.
If that’s the way she feels, I’ll have to accept it—but I can’t face reaching out to her yet, knowing that I might be finding out she wants nothing more to do with me.
He had never meant to go without talking to her for this long. But losing himself in work… it was so familiar. So easy. It was a million times easier than trying to sort out his affairs with Chelsea. And a part of him really did wonder whether he shouldhave stuck to this as a way of trying to make his father proud. Maybe ithadbeen a mistake to have a child. At least this was something he was good at, and when it came to family life, he seemed to do nothing but make mistakes.
