The questions keep piling up as do our anxieties, but we're in this together. We're a pack. No matter how far into the unknown we go, I trust we'll support and love one another unconditionally.
Thirteen
Vivian
You know when your head and body feel like a dull weight? But also like you're floating and can't quite grab onto anything real? And you know you aren't quite okay? Like the lucid part of yourself is halfheartedly attempting to knock some sense into you, but you don't care that much so you continue zoning out?
A little numbness mixed with exhaustion. That's all I've felt for the past few days. I had a small burst of shock when my pack told me I had a nightmare, but shrugged it off. In my mind it made sense because the struggle for me to speak has been exponentially worse than it has been inyears.
How do I tell my men that something is wrong with me? I know it's me. They haven't sensed anything wrong in our bond. Only me. The red buzzing hovers at the edge of my periphery constantly.
The only way I've found to ignore it is to ignore everything.
I know my alphas and beta are worried about me. Hearing Kade talking to his father about what we're going through was hard to come to terms with.
How do I stop being such an inconvenience? Even when I'm not doing anything, I'm scaring them. Then if I so much as stand up to use the bathroom, everyone stands with me.
Kade and Jarek had to go back to work this morning. They've taken way too much time off for me, doing a number on my guilt. Their tethers have tightened around me too. Especially since I can't tell them what's going on.
I don't even know if I want to. What if they accuse me of not feeling like they're enough? Like I'm seeking something out because I don't feel fulfilled? How would I convince them that's not trueat all?
It's not true, it's not true, it's not true!
I don't care how fucked up I've been this past month. Nothing is wrong. Except for this damn redness tainting my subconscious.
"What do you want to watch now, princess?"
Forcing myself to pay attention, I glance down at Silas. He's been dubbed babysitter for the day, but at least he seems to be enjoying himself. Still in his pajama pants with a bowl of chocolate on his stomach and his head in my lap, he looks like he's soaking in all the relaxation he can get.
Absently, I stroke my fingers through his hair to keep me grounded. I can't slip away and poke at things that don't matter. Whatisimportant is my beta having a cozy movie day with me and his delicious lips smiling up at me. How can anything be wrong when this is our Wednesday? It's perfect. He's perfect. I'm...a mess.
"You're so beautiful, Vivie," he whispers while placing an M&M between my lips. The flavor explodes in my mouth, encouraging me to sink into this cozy feeling. "I don't mean just your looks butyou, princess. Even when you have so much going on in that smart head of yours, you have this look of pure serenity like you handle everything with grace. My princess."
I fight not to narrow my eyes because there's no way that can be true. There is a lot of nastiness in my head sometimes, and I don't think I hide it very well.
He's not done. "When you poke around in the bond, your head tips back and your lips curve into the cutest smile. No frown lines, no tension. Just you feeling us and thriving in our love for you."
Uh oh. Stiffening, I sense abutcoming.
"I feel you in there right now, but you're frowning, Vivie. Please tell me what's wrong. You know we can't experience the depth of it like you can but even I, a beta, can feel that something is off. And it goes beyond your body language. No, no," he rushes out and sits up, wrapping his arms around me. "Keep your eyes open. Please don't leave me again. Juststay."
Tears immediately spring to my eyes. I've been shutting them out and no amount of justifying it makes it feel okay. It's not okay.
Reaching forward, I place my hand on Silas' cheek. My lips twist as I fight my emotions. Judging by the way his eyes widen and he reaches for me, showing him how I'm feeling is exactly what he needs.
So...I cry. I allow my emotions to tumble out quietly and soak his shirt. There's a lot we need to talk about, but I would like to try to figure out what's going on one last time by myself. I can't stand the thought of dumping this on them without any kind of answer. They're stressed enough as is.
My wonderful beta continues to hold me as I wrestle with my mind. I feel Kade and Jarek's worry, but I snuggle further into Silas. They have stuff to do, and I'm completely happy with Silas' comfort.
I don't always need a big, burly alpha to growl my issues away. The quiet intensity of him allows me the ability to sit with the yucky stuff. I know he's thinking hard about how he can helpme, but he never tells me to stop crying. Jarek and Kade have flipped out over my tears a time or two only for me to cry harder. It's a mess. I'm a mess.
Sighing, I tip my head back and kiss his jaw.Thank you. Silas nuzzles my cheek in response and murmurs, "I love you."
Without hesitation or anxiety in my throat, I reply, "I loveyou."
Like he usually does when I speak after a long silent streak, Silas breathes a relieved sigh and squeezes me tight. The hug puts too much pressure on my bladder though, so I wiggle away and am grateful when he lets me go. He's better about that than the alphas are. Sometimes I have to really demand to be let go. Snuggly beasts.
"Bathroom," I explain for his peace of mind and rush out of the living room.
